- I really want to be a better, more patient, more loving mom. The kind that never raises her voice and always gets down eye to eye with her children, even when disciplining them. Always out of love, never out of anger. The kind of mom that shows her children what following Jesus Christ truly looks like.
- My children (esp the younger one) are bent on making the above desire as hard as possible by disobeying whenever possible-lying regularly-and abusing the younger sis (elder child's infractions) or screaming, squalling, kicking, biting, bawling, whining, and just generally being an ornery disagreeable child as often as possible (younger child's infractions). Family Home Evening lessons just don't seem to be sinking in, no matter how many different angles I approach the various problems we are having in our home.
- The desire and the frustrating reality were painfully apparent at the conference as I battled (quite literally with screaming and kicking and hitting and trips out to the foyer about every 5 minutes) with the littles in between snippets of inspiration that were painfully opposite of the juxtaposed reality.
- What can I say more? While being inspired to WANT more joy and peace in my family, I am at the same time so frustrated with the CONSTANT fighting between the kids, the selfishness, and the never-ceasing bawling from the little one, and the subsequently far too frequent bouts of combustion from my own frustration-- that I can't help also feeling like it was a hard chastisement for our lack of spirituality in our home and relationships.
- I am not looking for comments of 'you can do this' or 'this is just a phase--they'll grow out of it'. This isn't a post to glean some obligatory compliments or words of sunshine. What this IS: a frustrated mom who feels like she's insane to want more kids when she can't handle the two she's got, when the pending Mother's Day next week just makes her want to hurl cards and flowers off the deck because what she REALLY wants.... really really... is a happy family with two girls that will love each other, play together, and stop the constant constant constant contention that drives the spirit from our home.
That's what I got from Stake Conference today.
Sometimes it's not really whether the stuff seems to sink in, it's the fact that you HAVE the family home evenings, and HAVE the discussions, and HAVE the attitude. The results often comes later, and the real Mommy Moments come when they're 16 and say, "I remember that one lesson....."
ReplyDeleteLove you, Sweetie....you're a great mom.
Wow...that is exactly how I feel. Glad I am not alone
ReplyDeleteI think the girls were just about your girls' ages, or just older, when I had a Mother's Day that I just hated. I didn't like being a mom. I was frustrated and unhappy, and I felt like crawling into a big hole and staying there for a while. I think it actually took several months to get out of my slump. I'm so sorry you seem to be in the same situation now. Even now that the girls are so much older, they still fight, a lot. It's been so hard for me to wait for the "joy that comes in moments," when the moments are few and far between. People always used to tell me to get out more and have someone else watch the kids so I could take a break. And while that did help, it was always hard coming back to the difficult reality. Having a good, loving, supportive husband was the thing that helped me the most, besides prayer. It was also good for me to get together with other moms. Those were always the better times of my days. I kept waiting for "the phase" to end, only to realize that it never really did. The kids just changed a little as they gradually got older. My love for motherhood was actually revitalized when we had Henri. :)
ReplyDeleteOops--sorry! I didn't know I was logged in as Eric. :)
ReplyDeleteI hate mother's day for many reasons, and one of them is that it can often be a skewed mirror showing how our families "should be" if we were "good" moms. I think that what you are describing is pretty dang normal and not some reflection of a lack of spirituality or goodness in your home. Remember that you can't control how your kids feel or act or react even (especially?) at this age. And it's totally normal to feel frustrated as a mom. Keep loving your kids (which is the part you can do) and remember that the reality you want will be built in time. I know you said you didn't want it, but here it is anyway: YOU CAN DO IT! :)
ReplyDeleteI can sympathize. After being Mom and Dad for 7 years being a parent can be a little soul crushing. What I learned is to quit comparing myself to other mom's who I thought were perfect. You need to do what's right for you and your family. I think sometimes when you expect to much of yourself, you just end up with a lot of negative self talk and unreasonable expectations.
ReplyDeleteI am not sure if your girls are old enough, but when Ethan whines or throws a fit, I have him sit at the table and write a list of 25 things he is grateful for. Before he could write, I had him draw pictures. Then we talk about it afterwards. It really helps change moods in a positive way while building our relationship.
Relax, and don't be hard on yourself. You are an amazing person, and an amazing mother with a wonderful family.
Booyah! I agree. That's what I want to! My boys fight ALL DAY LONG! And they purposely try to upset each other ALL DAY LONG! Maybe we had the same Stake Conference today...I felt a little chastised too. I definitely need to be baptized again into motherhood...a "do over"! :)
ReplyDeletep.s. I've been reading the book referenced here : http://www.71toes.com/2013/05/teach-these-souls-to-fly-give-away.html
A friend of mine wrote the chapter she's talking about and it really helped me this week when I wanted to pull my hair out.
I feel your pain. Siblings are over-rated at times. When the contention gets really bad we have to separate our two boys. Special time or dates with either Jeff or myself helps a lot. K has been to a baseball game with Jeff and a play with me. Since J is not old enough for long outings he gets bike rides in the evening with just mom. At one point they both needed their own space even when it came to bedtime stories. The times they play in the same room without screaming or crying at each other are pure joy, but a rare occasion. I am sure you will find the answer that you need that will best fit your families needs.
ReplyDeleteI truly think that sometimes church talks achieve the opposite of what they are intended for. Our leaders teach the ideal, but they know that the ideal is never the actual reality. I think that's why us women are always being told we are too hard on ourselves. We want that ideal and feel like we are failing when it just doesn't happen. You are such a good mom and such a really amazing person. Your kids will see that and it seems to me that you are doing as much as you can to bring the spirit into your home, but it's just never going to be perfect cause this is real life! Much love and hugs!
ReplyDeleteAs you can see from previous comments, you are not alone! That's a good thing to keep in mind. But, I disagree that talks have an opposite effect from what the speaker intended. We are here to learn, and they are teaching to a broad audience. What isn't doing it for you now will do it for you in 2, 5, 20 years down the road. I promise you- this phase will not last! There are a few positives buried in there that you'll miss when you're in the next phase. A few: the complete control you have over your kiddos right now- what they eat, when they sleep (sort of), what they watch, who they associate with, and you know where they are all the time. This will change, and sooner than you think. We are not expected to be perfect, but we are expected to do the best we can. If you're doing that, you're going to be ok.
ReplyDeleteI have been there. I'm there again. I haven't said this much publicly, but when I was pregnant with Rachel (#3), and my older two fought constantly, I regularly wept and stared at the heavens, questioning why God would send another child to a home so full of failing and contention. (Also, Ryan has been in this bishopric since before #2 was born, so I went through a long period where I dreaded, hated, abhorred, etc., having to go to church, and spent many a Sunday school hiding on the stage, bawling.) (That was probably also depression.)
ReplyDeleteIn our family, it seems to be the ages: a peak of fighting at 4&2. My older two grew out of it (for the most part). My middle two grew into it. Bah.
I remember as a child my mother begging, crying and pleading with us to stop fighting. Did we fight a lot? YES. Did we get along a lot? YES. Is it WAAAAAAY too easy as a mom to get buried by the hard times and the fighting and the nagging? YES YES YES.
I want to stop screaming at my kids, too. It's especially hard to control your (my) temper when you're sleep deprived, stressed, unhappy, being overrun by other children/projects/household needs, etc.--make sure you take good care of yourself!
I don't particularly care about Mother's Day (I have four kids and no expectations anymore, LOL), but I did like the talk I gave on Mother's Day several years ago. The bottom line is that you do the best you can, and consecrate your efforts, and the Atoning power of Jesus Christ will make up the difference, now or in the eternities, in His eternal justice.
I know how you feel. I often feel overwhelmed and frustrated with just one child. I can only imagine the new pathways of frustration that would open up with two.
ReplyDeleteI am in the trenches with you! My kids can be soo good sometimes and soo intent on being bad other times.
ReplyDeleteHow many times will I tell my daughter to be nicer to her brothers? How many times will I tell my boys not to hit/punch each other? When will I stop saying things like "please don't put that in your nose" or "you should put on some clothes"?!
I'm really trying to just enjoy the insanity with the good stuff. Its all rolled together for a reason, right? I hope...
Anyway, we're all in this roller coaster together!
I am in the trenches with you! My kids can be soo good sometimes and soo intent on being bad other times.
ReplyDeleteHow many times will I tell my daughter to be nicer to her brothers? How many times will I tell my boys not to hit/punch each other? When will I stop saying things like "please don't put that in your nose" or "you should put on some clothes"?!
I'm really trying to just enjoy the insanity with the good stuff. Its all rolled together for a reason, right? I hope...
Anyway, we're all in this roller coaster together!