After dropping Gwen off at school, Caroline and Emmett and I headed straight over to Volunteer's of America for their monthly 50% off sale. I had the stroller (carts were all taken-- as anticipated) completely loaded up with shorts, skirts, shirts, swimsuits, summer pjs, shoes and so forth to the brimming point where I had to ask Caroline to walk beside me bc she was getting assaulted by hangers. Of course, she was very happy to be out of her seat (less complaining), but I was constantly moving her out of the way of one cart or another. Have you guys been to a thrift store on one of their big sale days? It is a madhouse. Amidst all this craziness, Emmett grew weary of being awake and started crying. I corralled our massive ensemble to an open area (hard to find, mind you), took him out to nurse him, then put him back in and reclined his seat so he could go to sleep. Naturally, he was not interested in sleeping in his stroller. He cried. I hurried, trying to keep my stress level from creeping up and coming out in an outburst at Caroline, who was bored but trying her hardest to be obedient.
(not my cart, but indicative of the shopping trends at VOA's 50%off day!)
In the midst of looking for items on our needs list, keeping Caroline close by me, maneuvering our bulging stroller down narrow aisles crowded with equally bulging carts of other shoppers, listening to Emmett's cries knowing he just needed to sleep and 'push-pulling' the stroller constantly in an attempt to soothe him to sleep....
a complete stranger stood in front of me so I couldn't get past and said, "Your baby needs something". Assuming she was well-meaning, I said, "oh, I know. He needs to sleep". She then got her lecturers face on and proceeded to tell me that maybe I shouldn't be there then. I felt like someone had slapped me across the face. Not because her words hurt that much, but it was just that shocking. I gathered my wits and explained that it was 50% off day and this was the time to come so we just had to do our best. Not a good enough answer for her. She said I should have left him with a babysitter. I was flabbergasted. I thanked her for her concern and asked her to let me be his mother and then proceeded away from her before I said something I'd regret. I could see her muttering to herself and shaking her head as she went the other direction.
I was astounded. Insulted. Angry. Hurt. Not because I thought she was right, but because I felt so unjustly judged. I'm trying to let it go. To give her the benefit of the doubt.
She didn't know I've been preparing for THIS sale for a month, going through the kids' clothes/shoes boxes to inventory exactly what we needed for them this summer.
She didn't know that I was sacrificing things I wanted to do to be there. (Missed the first day of my new exercise group, play group, even preschool will have to be during afternoon quiet time because there was no way I could afford to miss the sale)
She didn't know I had dropped off a child at school at 9 and busted over there to get the shopping done as quickly as I could before nap time.
She didn't know I couldn't come back after school because then the swimsuits and shoes would be picked over and I might not get what we needed for the girls. Plus I'd have the stress of 3 kids shopping instead of 2.
She didn't know that I was hurrying my best, that I had been needing to go to the bathroom for over an hour and had NOT stopped to do that because it would prolong our stay there. I was trying to put my kids first and just get out of there as fast as we could.
She didn't know that Emmett does not take a bottle and therefore cannot be left with a sitter. He has to be with me.
She didn't know that I had JUST finished nursing him.
She didn't know his stroller was reclined so he could sleep.
She didn't know that he often cries loudest just before he dozes off in the stroller.
She didn't know that we were almost finished, that our very next stop was actually the checkout line.
She didn't know I AM a good mother, that my kids come first in my life. That we were there FOR the children so that they could have what they needed. That I am attentive and loving to them. That it was just a perfect storm rather than an ongoing relationship of neglect and crying babies.
And yet, if she didn't know, why in the world was she judging me and VERBALLY BERATING me like she knew what was best for me and my family?
Clearly, I still have a lot of things to work through. Amazing that such a small incident could upset me so thoroughly. I wish I could talk to her again, explain it to her. Help her see that she was wrong. But I'm not going to get that closure. I just need to forgive. You'd think it wouldn't be so challenging to forgive such a small injustice, but I'm really struggling with this.
Rough. I hate feeling accountable to strangers, even though I know I don't have to answer to them. Afterwards I'm torn between wishing I'd really laid into them, and wishing I'd ignored them completely because it's really none of their business.
ReplyDeleteI know, Lisa. I always come up with witty responses or bold comebacks in my mind afterwards, but I don't think I could ever ACTUALLY say them to a stranger.
DeleteI am so sorry that you got slimed!! I always call it that (long story). This lady had no idea what she was talking about, of course. You are fabulous. FABULOUS. And so are your totally normal and also spectacular children.
ReplyDeleteSo now I need to hear the slimed story....:) Thanks for your support!
Delete"Every day you're not dead in the ground, when you wake up in the morning, you're gonna have to make some decisions. Got to ask yourself this question: "Am I gonna believe all them bad things them fools say about me today?"
ReplyDeleteAnyone who shame/berates someone while they are clearly drowning, has some serious issues. You can't let someone like that have that much power over your well-being. It's not worth it. You have other fish to fry, snot to wipe, Hugs to give-- and receive.
ELECTRONIC HUGS TO YOU <3
Deletethanks, Mel. You're right, of course. I don't think she deserves to have any power over my peace of mind. So now if I could just let it go...
DeleteI'm always amazed by what total strangers feel is OK to editorialize about. You don't know the back story, so MYOB! Love you, sweetie!
ReplyDeletethanks, Mama. :)
DeleteHere's a couple good ones to try:
ReplyDelete"Hey guess what! Earplugs are 50% off today to! Down aisle 4, can't miss 'em. Why don't you go check that out."
Or maybe "ONE crybaby is plenty for me to handle right now, thanks very much."
oops I meant "too", not "to"
DeleteLOL, you are so funny, honey!
DeleteSorry if this posts twice (computer just did . . . something . . .). Eric's second response is spot-on! Both are good, but if you can go back in time, I'd use the second one. hahaha!
DeleteI completely know how you feel!! And I honestly think that the pain and shock of it all goes so deep because you are someone who earnestly seeks to find the good in others. Rather than judging or finding fault in someone, you make the conscious choice to be positive and say encouraging words. So when someone is so awfully rude like that it hurts deep in your heart. You have such a good soul, and I always am grateful for your example as we experience motherhood together. Please know that you are good, strong, and beautiful. And it's okay to be hurt and stung by this, time will help heal it. God has much better things in store for you. :)
ReplyDeleteso true about it being shocking because it isn't what I would do. Since the world is filled with people different from me, though, I'm going to have to get used to it, I 'spose. :)
DeleteHere's the lesson that I'm very slowly learning: although it's possible to know that someone was out of line (and this lady clearly was), it's impossible to know the complete context. Just like she didn't know all of those things about you (or that you're an incredible mom who spends so much time designing and implementing amazing learning activities for your kids), you don't know what has been going on in her life that would lead up to her chastising a stranger for no good reason. Remembering that the "didn't she know..." coin has two sides is the key to forgiveness for me.
ReplyDeleteI'll use it in a while. For now, I'm just going to be ticked that this rude lady ambushed an amazing person!
you're absolutely right, Sam. And I'm glad you pointed that out because I had not been thinking about what might have brought her to that point. Who knows, maybe she has a grandchild she feels is being neglected or maybe she just had a terrible loss in the family. Who knows. I don't. So I should give her the benefit of the doubt that I would want to be given to me. Wise counsel. I'll work on that. :)
DeleteI can empathize so much! I got some crazies trying to tell me that I was a terrible mother for not inducing my child by her due date . . . and these weren't strangers. I thanked them for their advice/personal revelation, vented to a few close friends, and then continued to follow the revelation that I had already received. Imagine that! You did everything right. Also, that lady's a lightless grump.
ReplyDelete