3 Big Ones

3 Big Ones!

3 most frightening/worrisome memories with Eric:

1. on our Honeymoon: whose idea was it to watch What Lies Beneath out in the middle of nowhere in a cabin? Mine? Oops...
2. bee sting to Eric's hand: swelled up like a surgical glove being used for a cow's udder.

1. WindRiver's 2007 lightning storm: Eric and Collin making the trek across the unsheltered saddle with lightning crackling around constantly... carrying fishing poles. I was scared to death!
2. I'm adding another: when the Rhino broke down in the middle of a huge snowstorm on our way to the cabin Jan 2009 with babies in tow... and waiting for what seemed like hours in the cold dark with a bawling 6 week old and Eric gone off on a snow-mobile to try to find help. Scary times.

3 most embarassing memories with Eric:

1. hitting myself in the face with my own racket during racketball and giving myself a black eye.
2. the night of cooking disasters. Every dish, pan, bowl, etc that we own (I am really not exaggerating here!) was destroyed trying to salvage- not ONE, but 3-- culinary catastrophes! Below is a photo of the sludge that spread all over the counters and leaked onto the floor...
3. riding the Greyhound for 2 days to Arkansas (to meet my folks) and then 2 days back. We were stinky, tired, and somehow still wanted to be right next to one another. (despite the egg-salad sandwich breath and lack of showers)
4. ooh, wait, can I add a 4th? (Of course I can, it is my blog... ) Goofing around in the park (before we were engaged), tore my shirt WIDE open (on the side- one of the darts)... but didn't even realize it. Eric had to tell me that, um, I was a lil exposed. How embarassing.

But if I really want to be honest, I am not really that embarassed about any of those things. Kinda funny, I think.

3 most energizing/fun memories with Eric:

1. playing Horrible Hoppers: Freshman year of college, in the dorms, Eric cheered me up one night close to Halloween when he could tell I was down. Halloween version of tiddlywinks.
2. mystery shake date with strange and funny poetry games. I loved all those "intellectual" dates!
3. Temple Square General Conference April 2006: the day that started it all. I had so much fun flirting around the artwork in the Conference Center, making deliciously piled up sandwiches with ALL the fixuns, and doodling on each other's papers during the afternoon session.
4. Um, If I'm perfectly honest, just about EVERY memory that I have with Eric is energizing and fun! I just love being around him so much!
   

3 most romantic memories with Eric:
3. our first kiss: day after Mother's day, in the family room downstairs at Eric's parents' home. He wanted to long before that, but I was chicken. After this kiss, we basically knew marriage was on the horizon.
2. Valentine's Day 2008: Eric made delicious Italian dinner, converted our upstairs guestroom into a lovely candle-lit Italian eatery, and wowed me with flowers. Incredible night!
1. night he proposed: blanket under the stars in a field, sonnet composed just for me, a gorgeous customized ring, and melted my heart with the words "I've never been as happy in my life as these last months spent with you. I want to feel this way for Eternity. Will you marry me?" I believe I was laughing and crying at the same time. (as I recall, this kinda weirded him out, but he didn't let on til later.)

3 most significant memories with Eric:
3. The miscarriage of our first pregnancy. I think that brought us closer together than anything up to that point ever had.
2. Gwen's birth: the spirit in the room, we were both crying, and I remember feeling overwhelmed with love for her and for Eric, for our family. I knew we could be together for eternity.
1. kneeling across the altar in the Bountiful temple on the day of our sealing August 26, 2006. I never felt so RIGHT about anything before or since.
After 3 years, Hon, I only love you more than ever!

A Little Perspective

I want to take a moment and give myself some perspective. While the next post is really about a couple wonderful evenings full of fires of one kind or another, I currently feel a little, well, out in the cold. But there is really no reason for dwelling on that. I need to learn from the positive examples of my best friend Jennie and my dear friend Linzi. I need to stop indulging in a good whine and try looking at things with some perspective. So here I go:

• I miss my hubby.... Atleast I HAVE a hubby!
• I feel isolated when he is sitting right here but I can't enjoy his company because he is studying for the Boards. .. How wonderful that he is here, a part of our lives, rather than an absentee father on a regular basis.
• I find myself easily jealous of the attention he gives to anything else, including the news or shooting the breeze on the phone with his brothers, because I want what little of his time there is.... I shouldn't begrudge him those small breaks. After all, Gwen and I go out and do fun things every week and he misses out on everything from the zoo to libraries to movie nights to swimming. Even visiting his own family.
• Sometimes I think I get a glimpse of what being a single mom would be like. and it doesn't seem like fun.... How grateful I am that Eric still takes time for giving lots of love to Gwen (including her nightly bath!) and that this family is still a joint effort. Soon I'll have him back. (until surgery rotation, but we're focusing on the positive here).
• I am growing weary. He's not the only one getting burnt out over this.... Atleast I got a break and had a nice vacation. He has been going straight through. But the end is in sight!
• Sometimes I feel like sitting down and doing nothing: not because there is nothing to do, but because I am just tired of being/doing so much for our family. ... and I am eternally grateful for the unlimited strength of my Savior, Jesus Christ. I am not even in the darkest abyss, there are so many struggling with far more devastating challenges, I have no real room for complaint or cause for Him to rush to my aide... but He does. Every time. He is there for me, buoying me up, sending me friends and family to encourage along the way, and giving me gentle nudges to my spirit reminding me that all is not lost. I just need to trust in His Atonement...

and perhaps gain a little perspective.

The Bad and The Good

Bad News: The distance from one end of the Chicago airport to the other is long when you're carrying a getting-heavy baby in your arms.
Good News: I'm buff. We made it. ;)

Bad News: Gwen had a 4-direction blowout ON the plane ride from Chicago to Tulsa (out both legs, front, and back!)
Good News: the kind gentleman in the seat next to me said he wanted to stretch his legs... and let me change her in his seat.

Bad News: The rest of the plane hated me because Gwen was so fussy, stinky, and poopy all over.
Good News: I'll probably never see any of them ever again.

Bad News: My parents were sick when I got there.
Good News: I got to relax and watch HGTV, History channel, and food network... something I really enjoyed since we don't have a tv in Ohio!

Bad News: I attended an excruciating workout that left my muscles absolutely UNRESPONSIVE for 2 days. I'm not kidding, I couldn't sit, stand, kneel, or lift my legs to put on my socks without assistance!
Good News: What a great work out! and my folks let me soak in their jacuzzi.

Bad News: Gwen and I got really sick too: fever, sinus infection, ear infection, and lost voice.
Good News: I was still able to go to the Saturday luncheon musical production of the Ten Virgins in which my sister was singing, see my bff Jennie and her baby, and enjoy the gorgeous 80 degree weather.

Bad News: None of my friends except my dear best friend Jennie ever contacted me to get together.
Good News: I didn't have to try to look presentable in something other than pjs or act energetic in my sickie state.

Bad News: Visiting the doctor on vacation always stinks.
Good News: I got a prescription for some antibiotics that are sure to help me feel better! Plus we have great insurance that had only a 35 dollar copay for appointment and drugs!

Bad News: 35 dollar copay wasn't in the budget for the trip.
Good News: My mom generously covered the tab.

Bad News: apparently antihistamines and decongestants also dry up breast milk...
Good News: We caught it in time to prevent SERIOUS trouble! and thank you Tamara for letting me borrow your excellent pump!

Bad News: Since Gwen was sick, she was very needy and I didn't have the energy to take care of her.
Good News: Grandma, Grandpa, and an umbrella stroller. Nuf said.

Bad News: Gwen's photos for her 4 month mark can't upload from my mom's camera to her computer because it is so outdated.
Good News: My mom took THE cutest picture of Gwen EVER and I can't wait to share it with all of you!

Bad News: I was sick for our family Sushi party at my sister's house.
Good News: I didn't have to "contaminate" any food or utensils by contributing my hand to chopping veggies... and just got to enjoy all the deliciousness!

Bad News: Flight delayed out of Tulsa put us in Chicago late and we had to cross the entire airport to make our next flight...
Good News: The umbrella stroller made running with Gwen and carry on bag a piece of cake. I was sweaty, but we made it.

Bad News: Gwen peed in her outfit and I only had a onesie to changer her into so her legs were exposed through the entire return trip.
Good News: Everybody still thought she was adorable, I had a nice warm blanket to wrap her legs in, and she was beautifully compliant on both flights thanks to baby tylenol!

Bad News: Gwen misses Grandma and Grandpa already!
Good News: We finally got to see Daddy/Eric again!... and we're already trying to find time for another trip!

Life's Lesson #2: Ask Forgiveness--Even If They Did Greater Injury

Second installment of the "lesser appreciated virtues".

#2 Ask Forgiveness- Even if They Did the Greater Injury to You

Young teenage girls have the ability to be more malicious and just plain mean than any other group of people (not counting criminals or terrorists, of course). Maybe you've been victim to the pack mentality before. I think most girls have been at one time. It is a vicious world in which you either perpetrate meanness or are the recipient of it. Unless of course you are more mature than the rest of the pack and can rise above all that. Unfortunately, I was not one of those amazing people.

I was the victim. All the time. From 5th grade to 7th grade, that was me. I don't need to tell you about the emotional damage these years wailed on my self esteem. I don't need to tell you about how little confidence I had or how I hid it with all my success in academics, music, and sports. By the time I had a group of friends in church who were so trendy and cool... and yet considered me part of the group, I was pretty much ready to follow their lead. Whatever it took to remain in good graces. Unfortunately, they chose another girl in our Young Women's class-- someone who just the year before had been 1 of 3 whom I invited to spend the night for my birthday-- to mercilessly mock. Not 'in-your-face' kind of teasing, but the oblique and yet oh-so-obvious whispering about her while she was in the same room with us, gossiping about her clothes or hair or whatever, and making snide remarks under our breaths whenever she answered a question. I joined in. Better her than me. That was my thinking. Where was loyalty? Where were courage and honor? Not anywhere to be found.

It wore on me. It did. But I kept at it. One night, after a particularly brutal mutual activity in which we sort of trailed her through the church (subtly, of course) snickering the whole time... I got an unexpected phone call. It was her.
I thought she was going to tell me off. I knew I had it coming. But I walled up my feelings and snuffed out my conscience by somehow convincing myself she deserved it and I was justified. I prepared myself for some snotty comebacks.

and I was completely caught off guard when she began to apologize.

She said she was sorry for whatever she had done to upset or hurt us, specifically me, and asked for forgiveness. You might think that I was woman enough to apologize back at this point. But to my everlasting shame, I added insult to injury by firing off those snotty comments and telling her she deserved every bit of it. I could tell she was crying, but that only made me feel worse so I had to act worse to bury those feelings. I kept up my haughtiness until she humbly apologized once more and our conversation ended. That was that. I was a monster.

But that humble request for forgiveness when absolutely none was merited snuck through my facade of sarcasm and pricked my numbed conscience back to life. I am glad to say I began to repent. It was my first real experience with godly sorrow and wading through the process to real forgiveness. I ended up having to break bonds with that group of girls... I did bear the consequences for that... but years later that humble girl would become my very best friend. Jennie Smith. Now a Hubbard. I respect her so much for the example she has always shown me. She's always been a cut above the rest of us, always already emulating the qualities to which I'm aspiring. And it all started when she was Christlike enough to ask my forgiveness... even when I had committed the injury.