Favorite Faces

I just had to share some of my favorite faces on some of my favorite little people from the past few months!

Emmett- finally getting happy in water!

Always content... when he is eating!

Keeping him entertained during sisters' swimming lessons.

He loves wearing shades! We've gone through a heart pair already but he doesn't show any signs of growing tired of them!

He loves to copy the faces his sisters make!

He's been a stinker of late about requiring arms to hold him, but we are managing the phase knowing that soon enough he'll be pushing us away bc mommy and daddy are embarassing/crunch his style. This face wins me over every time!

When I ask Caroline to smile, this is what I get. She has taken crazy faces to a whole new level!

Sometimes she shows genuine glee! Feet off the ground!

Not a face, but a nice pic of her naked out in the pasture...she stripped out there so she could get wet in the wheel line! 

close inspection of a worm.

The girl plays hard. I LOVE when she sleeps! This particular day she fell asleep DURING dinner.

Gwen loves being Emmett's older sister! She takes really good care of him and tolerates his constant demands for "lap". 

She is a little funny lately--- I think we are seeing the tip of the moody iceberg. Sometimes she just won't smile. Other times she hides behind food or toys so we can't see her mouth.

But when it suits her, she can still be coerced into being silly.

She LOVES riding her bike!

And swimming underwater

And she still goes crazy/silly when she dances and sings!

And there are LOTS of ridiculous poses.

Can't see her face, but this is a typical view of the top of her head when she is peering intently to examine something. In this case, trying to toast ants with a magnifying glass has her occupied. 

But this is my favorite because it is just SO Gwen: happy 2 seconds before, but now Caroline is touching her and she is just NOT going to be happy about it. 

oh, and while this one is definitely not a "face"... it is still an abs fave photo from the summer!

Delicious and Daunting

The prospect of returning home to our own space and schedule is both delicious and daunting.

(I neglected to bring my journal with me to Idaho. Well, I guess 'neglected' is misleading. My suitcase was crammed and I purposefully selected my journal to stay in Ohio. I figured my blog could be my journal. That is why you are getting more "Elisa's thoughts" posts than usual. Hope you don't mind too much.)

How delicious it will be to return to our own beds and rooms, our own daily plans. As usual, the leisurely days have given me the break I needed and motivated me to get right back in there with learning activities for Gwen, exercising at the gym, cleaning, cooking, studying, and completing other organization or crafty projects. I am eager to get back into a routine of productivity. I am looking forward to a quiet Thanksgiving just us. I'm looking forward to the culinary preparation that goes along with it, especially the hours of poring over recipes to decide which new ones I'll try this year and add to our traditional favorites. That is really going to be fun! I'm looking forward to play dates with friends, chatting with my gal friends whom I've missed so much. I'm looking forward to driving with 2 girls in the back seat, on our way to the gym or the store or wherever--just in control once again (I guess I'm a control freak because a month of being passenger has started to bug me). I'm looking forward to reintegrating myself in my ward, which will have so many faces I barely know and some I've never seen. It will be delicious to serve again, to contribute. I'm looking forward to preparing Christmas offerings for friends, Christmas gifts and packages, and even the obligatory cards. I am looking forward to the rotation of seasonal decorations that are just 'ours' and already so full of memory. It will be delicious to tidy our home, make it beautiful, and count each little blessing.

All the while, I am daunted by the prospect of weaning Gwen off of her 'shows', her new toys (which I think she thinks are hers), and her adoring fans. I'm also daunted by the prospect of weaning Caroline off of those same adoring fans. The girls are going to be going through attention-deficit-shock. I've really enjoyed the time with family, the opportunity to get to know my in-laws better, to spend one-on-one time with Elise in a Rasputin dance off on the Wii, to be tutored by my oh-so-talented MIL on a sewing project, to teasingly remind my FIL that Caroline cannot have cake and ice cream yet. It has been wonderful. The best part, though, was actually seeing how content and happy Eric is every night has we cuddle and whisper in bed. He has really enjoyed this break and I've loved seeing him so relaxed and at ease with the world. No worries to furrow his brow. Such will not be the case when he is in a rotation AND doing interviews AND preparing for boards AND serving in his calling AND trying to maximize his time with us. No, it will be a rough coming month for Eric, and I am going to miss the peace in his handsome hazel eyes. I am definitely daunted by the return to responsibility.

But, ready or not, here we come. Tomorrow will be a day of laundry, packing, putting away things we've gotten out, and walking through again and again to pick up any last item we may have missed hiding behind pillows or stacks of books or toys. (I'm sure we'll forget something. Isn't that to be expected?)

We'll be home in Ohio on Wednesday. How deliciously daunting. (hopefully I don't get a tummy ache like this guy is bound to get...)

Allans Visit #3 Appliances Nightmare

Wouldn't you know, when one appliance breaks, they all follow suit. When it rains it pours, I guess.

Our fridge had been on the fritz for a while, leaking and stuff. Maintenance had been out to look at it and said they'd get back to us on what might be the problem. Well, Saturday morning we woke up and opened the door... and discovered the fridge must have finally bit the dust completely because it was no longer cool inside. We emailed maintenance, pulled out an ice chest and some ice, and deposited all extremely perishable items inside, leaving the condiments in the fridge.

No big deal. Under control.

That afternoon, during lunch preparations (remember I was hosting 3 extra adults and of course wanted to put on something delectable and special for the occasion), I began an oven preheat for our Sweet Potato fries. And suddenly, sparks started to shoot out from under the oven door accompanied with fire cracker sound effects. My mom and I were the only ones in the kitchen at the time and we both squealed. Turns out the filament burnt out. Can't use the oven for fries or pineapple. Luckily, our neighbors were kind enough to lend us the use of their oven for the fries and the broiled pineapple. Also, luckily, our stove still worked so we could pan fry our Teriyaki steaks. For a moment there was a scare because the burner wasn't getting warm, but then Eric thought to check the breaker, and sure enough the oven burn out had kicked it off. Reset, no problem. And suddenly we were extremely grateful for the functioning stove. Plan B without an oven would have been to fire up the charcoal grill. So, I began the somewhat ridiculous process of walking between our house and our neighbors to stir, flip, adjust temperatures, rotate, season, etc, etc, with Eric spearheading the cooking at our place.

No big deal. Under control.

During the final 20 minutes of lunch prep, when some things are at the ready to eat stage and we were trying not to let anything burn or get cold while the rest finished up, maintenance showed up at our back door with a temporary replacement fridge to hold us over until Monday when our new one would arrive. So, while trying not to let things burn, shuttling back and forth between our kitchen and the Harris's kitchen to check on the sweet potato fries, trying to make the Pineapple ice cream shakes before the ice cream melted completely, etc... we had to empty the rest of our fridge and freezer, deposit everything on the non-existent counter space, quickly spot-clean the nastiness that was revealed to have been hiding under the fridge, and keep out of the way of the crew moving things around. It was pure craziness.

No big deal. Under control.

Thankfully:

• when the fridge went out, we hadn't gone grocery shopping yet. If we had, we wouldn't have been able to fit all the perishables in the ice chest.
• since we were eating in the living room anyway, there was no rush to try to clear EVERYTHING off the table right away. Since it was piled high with all the contents of our broken fridge--and the temp one was significantly smaller--trying to put everything away was kind of time-consuming. We could eat and then get to it.
• our neighbors let us use their oven. repeatedly. even when they had to run to the store, they trusted me to go on in.
• we got a temp fridge. and then we got a new fridge!
• the stove still worked.
• and perhaps the biggest one of all: Caroline slept til right after all the craziness was over. Can you imagine if I'd had to stop right in the middle to nurse a hungry, crying baby? Oh man, I shiver just to think of it!

Appliance Nightmare? No big deal. Under control. :)

Cute Belly or Beached Whale?

When I see gals in my ward (like Stephanie H or Britney M) with their cute pregnant bellies sticking out, somehow I've always just thought I looked like that too. At least, I could imagine to myself that I was proportioned like such a cute pregnant gal. As I was getting ready for the wedding festivities this past weekend in Utah (Eric's bro, Marc, got hitched), I kind of had this idea in my head that THAT is what I looked like. Even looking in the mirror, I still saw myself with filters on. I didn't FEEL enormously pregnant, so I assumed I didn't look like it either. And I felt pretty confident, cute, and-- dare I admit-- even attractively prego.

until I was uploading photos from the weekend. And I saw the reality.

Folks, I look like a beached whale! and I've still got a month and a half to go!

I'm not complaining about being pregnant, that isn't the point of this post. The point is, I was shocked to see that what I THOUGHT I looked like was FAR from the REALITY. Question is, am I the only one who does this? Or have any of you been surprised to 'discover' yourself in a photo or video? and no, I'm not going to disclose those photos for your viewing humor. I am holding out til perhaps a flattering photo can be found. :)

lil miss grumpy pants

We've been privy to a lot of this face lately.

For whatever reason, Gwen has decided to be unhappy of late. Like since Thursday (just 4 days so far--I'm really hoping this is temporary). No temp, no ill symptoms, already has 4 molars, no reason that I can think of for her to be so fussy. Keep in mind she is 16 1/2 months. She is picky with food (only wants to eat crackers and raisins and I'm not exaggerating), hard to put down for bed, selfish with toys, demanding when playing with other kids (even if outside with lots to do), grouchy on errands, tugs on my pantlegs constantly but then struggles to get down when I pick her up, stopped using signs or words to ask for things but has digressed to just an insufferable WHINE and reach...and then throws a fit if you can't read her mind, and has complete meltdowns if you don't let her watch Baby Einstein when she demands it.

Okay.

Isn't she a lil young for being grouchy ALL the time? I thought that came with puberty?

Vice and Virtue

A quote from Friedman essay about literature, but with much greater application:

"Its vices are the defects of its virtues"

This really resonated with me. Does it ring true for you?

• 
  
  The unmotivated/unambitious vices are usually paired with the virtue of being easy going and not a worry wart.


• 
  
  The vice of being high-strung, inflexible, rigid usually goes with the virtue of being organized, planning ahead, detail-oriented.


• 
  
  The vice of being sensitive, easily hurt, emotional goes with the virtue of being empathetic, caring deeply, feeling freely.


• 
  
  The vice of being hasty, blindly jumping into things, rash goes with the virtue of being a risk-taker, brave, fearless, spontaneous, eager to see an idea to fruition.


• 
  
  The vice of timidity, inaction, lost opportunities accompanies the virtue of caution, careful research, and logical analysis before decision-making.


• 
  
  The vice of shirking work, avoiding responsibility, being light-minded, shallow, cliqueish usually goes with the virtue of being social, fun, energetic, friendly, talkative.


• 
  
  The vice of eating too much with the virtue of appreciating delicious food, being able to create delicious food.


• 
  
  The vice of laziness with the virtue of restfulness or playfulness.


• 
  
  The vice of work-a-holic, busy, forget-the-real-meaning-of-things person with the virtue of hardworking provider, ambition.


• 
  
  The vice of pack rat with the virtue of valuing memories.

I am a planner, a culinary artist, empathetic, ambitious, memory lover. Now you know all my vices too. :)

I think that when the Savior promises all our weaknesses can become strengths through His Atonement, it does not mean he will root out of us those innate characteristics so that we can no longer recognize ourselves. He will simply help us to transform them over to the virtuous side of them. We will still be ourselves, but our best selves.

Do you Feel there are Expectations for Christmas blog posts?

I feel like this is the time of year when I ought to be making incredibly meaningful posts about faith, service, family, memories and especially a Babe born in Bethlehem. Pressure is on, ya know?
But while I FEEL grateful for my Savior and enjoy focusing upon His birth... I don't have any inspiring thoughts to share that we all haven't already felt. My older sister had a wonderful post about finding Christ in Christmas. My younger sister had a wonderful post about acts of kindness and giving. I've got... well, I feel like the only things I have to say right now are pretty boring or mundane.

Who wants to read about the hours I've spent trying to send out Christmas cards, the corners we cut to try to make it affordable, the anxiety when we realized it was still about 100 dollars if you included stamps?

Along those lines, who wants to read about our determination to go cheap next year in all the gift, card, and package sending departments next year after the stress of realizing how much things cost this year?

Who wants to hear about the planning way back in August and September to make this year's Christmas goodies for our local friends, the time it took to label and tie ribbon on each, the joy of delivering them?

Who wants to hear about our role this year as rides to the airport since we are one of the only families here til Christmas, the stress of forgetting to pick someone up, the joy of chatting with them in the car as they prepare to reunite with loved ones for the holidays, the satisfaction and peace from serving where we can?

Who wants to read about the challenges of working out about a million different problems with paying tuition and registering for classes that begin in January, the anxiety it causes me, the insomnia, or the annoyance of being on-hold for 45 minutes only to be transferred to an answering machine of someone who doesn't call you back ever?

Who wants to know the details of my lack of computer skills, the fights I've had with technology as I'm making Christmas gifts, the frustration as hours of preparation goes down the drain when there is an error during the burning process, and another DVD joins his buddies in the trash?

Who wants to hear how grateful I am for Baby Einstein, for small distractions for the lil gal, for friends to play with, and friends to take toys from, and especially for days when she takes both her naps blissfully?

See, I haven't even made Christmas cookies. I probably won't. I haven't served in the community this year unless you count the rides to the airport. Other than that, I probably won't. I haven't bought new or donated old items to needy families. Unless you count the quilts at the beginning of the month, I probably won't. I haven't caroled. We probably won't. I just don't have anything inspiring this Christmas.

I hesitate to ask this, because I'm not sure I want to know the answer... But,
Do you think that means I'm not focusing enough on Christ?

Does anyone else feel like there is a strange pressure this time of year to be extremely inspirational in their posts?

Gwen's Strange Food Preferences

No posts for a while. There are reasons. I am trying very hard to only take on daily what I can successfully accomplish, lest I become overwhelmed and burdened rather than enjoying. I am winning! But that means fewer posts on the blog. You understand, I am sure.

I had to get this event down for posterity. It is evidence of Gwen's independence at the dinner table and her strange appetite:

One night last week Gwen refused mashed potatoes one dinner.
Then didn't want carrots (what?)
then shook her head and leaned away wimpering when I even offered a bite of cake (???)

guess what she wanted?

No, you'll never guess. So I'll just tell you.

Lettuce.

Yup, lettuce with a dab of Asian Toasted Sesame dressing on it.
She ate an adult sized salad portion.
Wow.
I can't account for her independent eating desires
or her taste preferences...
but she's healthy, I guess! No complaints there! :)

I have a success story so I can divulge a secret!

I received a communication today. It said this:

"Congratulations! Your application for admission to the Humanities Master of Arts degree program has been approved. We are happy to welcome you and wish you the best in your future work."

That's right folks! It is official! I am going back to school for my Masters degree!
I will be studying through the
California State Dominguez Hills
distance learning program (HUX).
Why am I excited about this opportunity?

• first of all, who ISN'T excited about studying art, music, literature, history, and philosophy? I LOVE the humanities!
  
• short term goal: I'll be qualified to teach humanities and art history at a community college
• the above goal is desirable for both fun/personal fulfillment and for preparedness. It was a harsh reality when I couldn't find ANY full time job 2 years ago despite my 2 majors and years of experience
• distance learning means I'll be free to set my own hours, my own pace, my own homework schedule.
• best part is that the coursework isn't online (though resources are if I need to contact anyone quickly). I won't be glued to a computer, with all the eye and back trouble that accompany it. I can sit in a comfortable chair and read.
  
• I'll be working from home, around Gwen's nap schedule, with some Saturdays to spend in OSU's library on research.
  
• I estimate only 10-12 hours a week for school work.
  
• entire program is only 35 credits, about 2 years to a degree (not counting any time I end up taking off for baby #2)
• The program is very flexible and family-oriented, so deferring or taking breaks for important events like babies or moving won't be a huge paperwork fiasco.
  
• interesting coursework with fun classes on Mayan art history, female literature around the world, etc.
• The program design gives a broad/general base in 5 distinct humanities fields (literature, philosophy, music, art, history) but allows for specific specialization in one or two as well.
  
• I can emphasize 18 hours in Art History which more than doubles my chances of being hired as a professor at a community college post graduation
  
• I can design some of my own credits/coursework to be Asian specific if I desire (which, of course, I do!)
• the above bullet helps keep me "in the know" for my long term goal: after the kids are grown, get a PhD in Asian Art History or Asian Humanities with Korean emphasis
• There are no tests. Every grade is based on essays and papers. Since writing is my strong point, this is a thrilling prospect!
• entire tuition cost of program: 6,000 dollars! (not counting books or fees, of course) and my Education Grant after my service year in Americorps (at the YWCA) comes to 5,000 dollars... so really, we only have to dish out 500 dollars a year! :)

Well, that is it! Celebrate with me folks! Coursework begins in January!

ps. naturally, there is some apprehension. I will not have as much "free" time to do personal hobbies and projects. I'm sure there will be stressful days. I am trying to think positively, however, and view the blessings and opportunities as what they are: tender mercies from a loving Heavenly Father Who truly answers our prayers.

Sippy Cup Troubles

Can any one explain to me what the big deal is with a bottle versus a sippy cup? I know it can be bad for orthodontic purposes, but that won't really matter since she's going to lose these teeth anyway, right?VS.

Reason for asking: our wonderful pediatrician (whom I wholly trust and absolutely love) said she likes to see kids off bottles by 15 months. Well. Gwen knows how to use a sippy cup. She can. She is just stubborn. Doesn't want to. And she absolutely LOVES her bottle. But, I want to do as recommended.

So. Yesterday and today I've tried to only offer Gwen her sippy cup. She refuses it in the morning (she's just so thirsty when she wakes up that she will start to cry as soon as she sees the sippy coming towards her instead of a bottle) so I let her drink her fill from the bottle. I tried really hard to be tough for the rest of the day. Yesterday she only took a few sips (even though we were outside and I knew she was thirsty) and then would shake her head and push it away. She ended up taking only a 45 minute nap because she was thirsty and uncomfortable (and believe me-- I tried to put her back down to finish but she was through!) and then crying for almost an hour and a half once she woke up, refusing to be distracted by any toys or even favorite foods (I'm talking big alligator tears, hugging me while sobbing into my shoulder and pleading "uh-mah-mah-mah"...exactly how am I supposed to refuse that?)-- til I finally gave in and switched the sippy lid for a bottle lid. Then she was all smiles and chugged that milk right down.

Today I lasted til dinner, then gave in and again offered her the bottle because I knew she was thirsty and since she ate tons of green beans, mashed potatoes and barbeque pheasant-- I figured she sort of earned the bottle.

Okay. I know I need to be tough. If she knows that crying and refusing the sippy is eventually going to earn her the bottle, then she'll do that every time. Guaranteed. She's no dummy. However, I can't help but wonder if there aren't better methods out there.

• Should we take the bottle away cold turkey? Force her to use the sippy or nothing else? If so, do I really need to do something that drastic NOW since she just barely turned 1 and 15 months is still almost 3 months away?
  
• Should we wean her off slowly by only offering the bottle at certain times of day? (if so, when is best? How do I actually do that?)
  
• Should we encourage greater proficiency with the sippy by putting delicious drinks ONLY in there like juice so that she will willingly choose the sippy cup over the bottle?
  

What have you done? What actually WORKS, folks?

and again, back to my original question, why is this a big deal anyway?

Biting Off More Sewing Than I Ought to Chew....

Am I allowed to say I'm growing weary of fabric? (for more than one reason. Spending 2 hours standing up ironing squares being the most current distasteful memory.) This service project is taking a lot more out of me than I anticipated. What happens when the person who is supposed to be soliciting help and encouraging others to participate stops wanting to work on things? How can I expect others to give freely of their time, talents, resources, and finances if I am not willing to do it myself? That doesn't sound too uplifting. Obviously, I don't want to give a "gift" grudgingly or with complaint. I don't want doing something for others to become a chore... That isn't very charitable at all.Perhaps, once again, I've simply bitten off more than I can easily chew? I really didn't think so when I began. I thought it was more than manageable, especially since I've been getting help along the way with cutting and tying the quilts. Even so... I think I'm gagging just a bit. Kind of like when you make a huge crock pot of soup... and then after you've been eating it for 4 days it starts to be a little bit gross to you when you serve up a bowl. I guess I've had a gutfull of sewing to last me a while. I will be quite relieved when the whole project is completed. No more piles of fabric occupying every surface in the living room. No more sewing machine on the kitchen table. No more scraps of fabrics and strings for Gwen to try to consume off of the carpet. No more quilt tops staring accusingly at me when I am doing something else besides sewing during one of Gwen's naps. *sigh*

There is still so much to be done before the quilt tying party on Tuesday, though, so I'm glad to be taking a break today til 3 by heading down to the Circleville Pumpkin Festival. Perhaps I'll feel more inclined to serve after taking some fresh air, glorious fall colors, and pumpkin joys to heart?

I Love This Time, Right Now.

Gwen is at a wonderfully fun stage right now. I know you aren't supposed to have favorites, that you should just love each stage for its joys and struggles, but seriously-- I am truly enjoying where we are right now!

Gwen is excited to explore and play on her own without my constant stimulation, as long as we are in the same room. I think she is adorable when she pulls out all the washrags and dishtowels from the kitchen drawer all while babbling to herself. I love how happy she is about everything, how intent upon discovering things with her fingers, and perhaps
my favorite recent development:
Gwen has suddenly become quite cuddly and gives lots of hugs! I absolutely LOVE it!!! She'll be playing, see me, crawl over, climb up, throw her arms around me (they don't quite reach around, but I get the idea), and rest her head on my chest. Absolutely adorable!
The other day, she was crying because one of her toys got away from her... and so she crawled over and threw herself at the closest part of me:
my feet.
She flopped down onto my shins, throwing her arms on my legs, and laid her head down on my ankles to cry. When I started laughing at her spectacle, she transitioned from crying to laughing with me too. It was one of the cutest memories I've ever had!

This is a time when I am really grateful to be a mother.

Life's All Fun and Games When You're 11 Months

11 Months. That's right. That is ridiculously close to 1 year. Where did my baby go? She's HUGE!

Well, she thinks she is. :)

Gwen's favorite toys:

1. plastic phone from Eric's Aunt Melinda. Thanks! Teaches shapes, colors, plays music... and also makes this awful singing cat thing that Gwen seriously loves.
2. brand spankin new walker from the Smiths. Thanks guys. Gwen loves it. She gets really upset and starts to cry if it starts to get away from her since it rolls. She loves to tip it upside down and play with the wheels.
   
3. bag of garage sale Marti Gras beads. Mostly just so she can take them in and out of the bag. Also loves to put them in her mouth and crawl around with a strand dangling. Like so:
4. books. Any. She loves board books, especially if she can turn the pages herself. Her favorites are A Christmas book from Grandma and Grandpa Hart (Thanks!), a Baby Colors book, and an Animals of the Jungle book that makes animal sounds. She loves real books, but I think she likes them so much because she can bend the pages... which isn't so appreciated by me. Or the public library. :)
5. the kitchen drawers and fridge. She beelines it for the fridge with some squeals as soon as I open it. She likes to stand holding onto the produce bins and fiddle with the lids and jars in the door. It makes me nervous since most of them are glass. Plus it is not energy efficient to stand with the fridge door open. She always gets quite upset when I force her out so I can close the door. I try to appease her with my fold up steamer (she loves to open and close it) or whisk out of the drawer next to the fridge. Sometimes it works.
   
6. the piano. She really goes to town. And then she wants to climb up and stand on the keys... and that's when musical virtuoso time comes to an end.
7. the cap to Eric's shaving cream. Her favorite tub toy right now. She practices drinking water out of it and also blows raspberries into it.
   

Gwen's favorite games:

1. Hide and Seek. She gets so excited to chase me from one part of the living room to another as I hide (visibly--it is only hiding if she can't see my eyes, even if the rest of my crouched body is fully out there) behind couches and chairs.
2. chasing Mommy or Daddy and then getting chased (we carry her). Our favorite post-dinner game. She squeals and reaches out and then gets tickled.
   
3. Where's Mommy's nose? Gwen's nose... Mommy's nose... She will touch, poke, scratch with her nail, insert a finger into a nostril (I try to keep her from doing that), etc. Very interested. All while drinking a bottle.
   
4. Sooooooo big-- with both hands up over head or on her head, slapping. And an obligatory cheesy grin on her face
   
5. shaking her head no when we try to get her to eat things and she is soooo done. Or when we try to keep her from falling asleep in the carseat and she is soooo tired. it is her game of non-compliance. :)
6. open and close. Open and close. Especially cupboards. Her favorite is the media cabinet. Of course, she also thinks it is fun to pull out all the DVDs, but who can blame her?
   

Gwen's favorite outings:

1. zoo. She loves to people watch and crawl around in the aquarium and slap at the fish. She hasn't really gotten excited about big, distant animals yet. She likes the Langurs, the baby Elephant, and the fish. But especially all the kids!!!!
   
2. grocery store. She is the center of attention, she knows it, and she loves it. She also likes to hold every item of produce before I bag it up. Sometimes I let her keep something. Once she went absolutely crazy over cantaloupe and sat it up next to her with her arm around it the entire time. She also loves to steal my list, my pen, my calculater, and my wallet (when I pay).
   
3. walk in the stroller. never more content then when she is loungin on a walk.
   
4. visiting any place where I will let her crawl around and explore, especially other people's houses where there is a baby around.
   

Gwen's favorite friends:

1. Giraffe (bed time--Thanks Mama Allan's friend), pink elephant (bed time--Thanks Grandma Hart), Henry (nap time--Thanks Grandma Allan!), monkey (living room--Thanks my old District Leader that had a crush on me), mini monkey #2 (living room, but usually in the kitchen), Mr. Greenhead (diaper bag--Thanks Great Grandma Ian), lambie (toy shelf--Thanks Dee!), mini bear (toy shelf), yellow chick (carseat)... and any other stuffed animal that happens to have eyeballs... :) She loved the Smith's Elmo and tries to take other babies' dolls from them. Oh, and did I mention she thinks her knit hat (Thanks Linz!) is a stuffed animal and hugs it to her, drags it around the house, and plays with the pom poms?
   
2. Goldfish. She likes the crawdad too, but gets very chatty, slaps the tank, sticks her mouth on it (gross!), etc whenever the goldfish is visible. She's trying to get his attention.
   
3. Lucy, Shane, Luke, Charlotte, Whitney... oh wait, I guess I could just summarize by saying ANY BABY THAT EXISTS!!!! She tries to climb on them, loves to slap their heads, and tries to poke things. She is kinda pushy.

That is your glimpse at the inner workings or our 11 month old Gwen! I'll try to get some photos up later, especially of some of these things that I think are so... fun... and I want to remember!

Taking a Risk-- Are you Up for it?

What is it about applying to a program-- even one that logically you know you are pretty much the best candidate they've got applying-- that makes you feel like, oh, I don't know, like 'what if they don't want me?'
Seriously, in the moment when you should feel most confident as you are keenly aware of your own qualifications-- instead you envision yourself receiving the polite rejection letter?
I spent most of my free time yesterday during Gwen's naps working on such an application and found that by bed time I was feeling so worried and frazzled I found myself crying unexpectedly (and, no, it isn't that time of the month)... I decided not to even work on it today. Considering how great I feel about the program, how certain I am that my prayers have been answered, how excited about the coursework, and how confident I truly am that I will be accepted without any problems, why is it that I feel sooooooo nervous? Isn't that strange? Today since I'm not writing essays or filling out online applications or writing emails requesting academic references from professors, I feel...

SAFE.

aaaaaaaaaahhhhhh....peace...

Perhaps simply because an application is a risk, putting myself out there, actively hoping for something that might not happen the way I'd like. Kind of like the way I hesitate to try to sell any of my paintings. If I don't put em up for sale, then I can always imagine they'd go like hotcakes! But if I DO and I can't get a decent price on any, well, then I can no longer delude myself into thinking they're sorta good. Or I could just not ever try for anything and never be disappointed, but that would be silly and scaredy-cattish of me. Either way, I guess too much thinking about it just gets me nervous. So I won't. Today. Then when I've sufficiently replenished my "bravery" stores, I'll put myself back on the confidence chopping block tomorrow.

ps. feel free to ask away about what I'm hoping to do, but I might not answer until I have an acceptance letter in hand, just cuz I don't want to get my hopes up too high. and talking about it excitedly would only make it worse if I don't actually get in... which really isn't going to happen, right?, but just in case...

A Little Perspective

I want to take a moment and give myself some perspective. While the next post is really about a couple wonderful evenings full of fires of one kind or another, I currently feel a little, well, out in the cold. But there is really no reason for dwelling on that. I need to learn from the positive examples of my best friend Jennie and my dear friend Linzi. I need to stop indulging in a good whine and try looking at things with some perspective. So here I go:

• I miss my hubby.... Atleast I HAVE a hubby!
• I feel isolated when he is sitting right here but I can't enjoy his company because he is studying for the Boards. .. How wonderful that he is here, a part of our lives, rather than an absentee father on a regular basis.
• I find myself easily jealous of the attention he gives to anything else, including the news or shooting the breeze on the phone with his brothers, because I want what little of his time there is.... I shouldn't begrudge him those small breaks. After all, Gwen and I go out and do fun things every week and he misses out on everything from the zoo to libraries to movie nights to swimming. Even visiting his own family.
• Sometimes I think I get a glimpse of what being a single mom would be like. and it doesn't seem like fun.... How grateful I am that Eric still takes time for giving lots of love to Gwen (including her nightly bath!) and that this family is still a joint effort. Soon I'll have him back. (until surgery rotation, but we're focusing on the positive here).
• I am growing weary. He's not the only one getting burnt out over this.... Atleast I got a break and had a nice vacation. He has been going straight through. But the end is in sight!
• Sometimes I feel like sitting down and doing nothing: not because there is nothing to do, but because I am just tired of being/doing so much for our family. ... and I am eternally grateful for the unlimited strength of my Savior, Jesus Christ. I am not even in the darkest abyss, there are so many struggling with far more devastating challenges, I have no real room for complaint or cause for Him to rush to my aide... but He does. Every time. He is there for me, buoying me up, sending me friends and family to encourage along the way, and giving me gentle nudges to my spirit reminding me that all is not lost. I just need to trust in His Atonement...

and perhaps gain a little perspective.

We're Back! and your first installment of pics

Gwen and I have returned from a great trip to Idaho! Grandma and Grandpa Allan were not the only ones to crave seeing the little gal; she had aunts and uncles to spare competing for her attention and laughter! She doled it out pretty freely too. (Above pic of Gwen and Uncle Collin)

Unfortunately, my camera ran out of batteries only 2 days into our 9 day vacation. So, since I'm waiting for copies from other people's cameras, you'll have to be satisfied with the pictures being out of chronological order. Most of these were "borrowed" from Mama Allan's blog. Isn't she an excellent photographer?



The cabin. Gorgeous. Nestled amongst willows and pines, cradled between mountains, flanked by a bubbling stream, visited by deer and hummingbirds....*sigh*. Places like this are great evidence to me of God's Grandeur and love for mankind.It was quite rainy during our stay. It might be sunny in the morning, but we could count on getting a few showers to a huge downpour at some point during the day. And the morning fog was serene.

Elise doesn't generally enjoy outdoor chores. I can understand her sentiment, in all honesty. But I love this picture because it captures how beautiful she is, how playful she can be, and the fact that she was right out there with the boys building a horse corral.
The menfolk, on the other hand, thoroughly enjoy a good sweat in the woods. Here we have everybody, including Grandpa Collin (who joined us for a couple days), hefting a mighty log. Lumberjacks.

The womenfolk were content to sit the logging chore out. Mama Allan and Grandma Ian (who was with us til Thursday) worked on curtains and other sewing projects while Jan tended Edward and edited her novel, I tended Gwen and read Book Thief, and Elise complained that her assigned book for school (Life of Pi) was boring and didn't make any sense. I finally capitulated and read aloud to her. She liked it better that way and I enjoy reading aloud, so we were all happy.

Stay tuned for more to come!

Beauty Rest

Did I mention that Gwen is adorable when she is sleeping? No matter how she eventually ends up, she always starts out with her feet hanging out of the crib, cuddling that fuzzy giraffe "blankie". We love to check on her at night and see how she's arranged herself and the giraffe this time!

Sigh. Every time I see her like this, it is a baptism of renewed love, washing away any impurities of frustrations or stress in my heart. She is my angel. .... When she is asleep! :) (well, she's my angel all the time, I just, well, you know, sometimes I just get flustered and forget, and say things that make it sound like I feel differently when I don't, like right now I'm digging in deeper, but, oh well, you know what I mean.)

My Reflections on Motherhood

Eric got me flowers for Mother's Day. Don't you love how the light reflects through the glass, the patterns it creates on the table (which this picture truly does not capture), and how you can see tiny bubbles around the stems? :)

It struck me yesterday that Gwen has been with us for 1/2 a year now. And I still feel like she is brand new.

I recall when I was set apart to be a missionary. I was surprised to feel like the same person afterwards. Somehow there was a disparity between the missionary I had always envisioned and the reality of being just regular ole me. I came to realize the there is no "moment" when I suddenly became that missionary. It was a lot of hard work, minuscule changes in myself overtime, and-- actually-- the ability to NOT fret about it. The water doesn't boil when you watch it, I guess.

Well, I suppose that is how I feel about motherhood too. The mother I always envisioned myself to be-- eternally positive, saintly patient, energetic and fun, taking time in daily moments to teach and inspire wonder in a child, full of faith that the kids will recognize rather than worrisome and easily overwhelmed, and loving loving loving-- well, that self continues to elude me. I know, I know. It is a process and I'm not perfect yet. I think too easily I am given to forget how much I love Gwen and desire her complete happiness.

She has been teething, I think, and has been high maintainance and generally irritable all day, every day, for the past 6 days. Her naps are shorter, she's still grumpy when she wakes up, she doesn't want to be put down, she doesn't want to be held, she doesn't want to eat, she doesn't want ANYTHING except to drool, chew on things, and fuss and grump and wriggle. Now if I was truly compassionate, I would be patient with her discomfort and sympathize with how hard it must be for her to be in pain without a means of expressing it. I imagine a mom gently soothing her child, rocking her while singing soft lullabies to distract, and calmly handling the squirms without complaint. I'm not that mom yet. This week has been quite exhausting, I've gotten little to nothing accomplished, the house was in complete disarray by Saturday, and she hasn't even popped a tooth. When she was putting up a huge fuss about eating her dinner yesterday, spitting out 1/2 of every bite of cereal, wriggling and kicking so that I was performing major balancing skills just keeping her on my lap while holding the bowl, turning her sticky wet face into my shirt to avoid the spoon so that now I'm dirty too, and taking 45 minutes to finally get it all down... I'll admit. I wasn't feeling great swells of love at that moment. All I felt was frustrated and tired. And, irrational as it may sound, I was mad at Gwen for being such a fuss-bucket.

I cried a lil as I struggled with her to get ready for bed time and repented for my feelings (and lack of feelings). And then she giggled as soon as she splashed in the bath water... and I knew everything was going to be okay. I blew on her belly, tickled her face with my hair, and even let her grab it and yank it into the water. She was only happy for about 15 minutes between 4 and 7 pm yesterday... but those 15 minutes were a beautiful soothing balm to me. And I realized that I would willingly do it all again the next day-- all the stress, energy taxation, whining, messes, etc-- for those 15 minutes of seeing my daughter genuinely happy.

That is what motherhood means to me.

Life's Lessons #3: Food Does Not Have Feelings

I stare at the few lonely grains of rice on Eric's plate. Or the isolated bite of broccoli. Or the sad carrot left out from the salad. My own plate is invariably clean and spotless. And I squirm in my seat. Trying not to be concerned. It is, afterall, Eric's dinner. Not mine. But in the end I can't resist asking, "Are you going to eat that, Dear?" To which he replies, "No, I'm full."

Now, I don't want it. I'm actually quite full. Satisfied. Content. But what do I say?

"Well then, I'll take it."

Why? Because I don't want this poor bite of pizza or that sad spoonful of soup or that pathetic lump of couscous to be left out. Don't want it to feel rejected and abandoned as it is tossed thoughtlessly in the garbage! Ever eaten the last 1/2 cup of something because you knew it wasn't enough to save in a tupperware but didn't want it to go to waste? Because it might feel like it was being left out of the party. All its buddies got eaten and are together there in the incredible journey through your digestive system while this lonely morsel is about to be thrown away. No. I must eat it. It is the compassionate thing to do.

Okay, this is not a good way to feel about food. Especially considering the pending toddler years and vast amounts of uneaten food that will be pushed around on plates without entering a little mouth. I am trying to eat less, not consume everybody else's leftovers. Maybe it comes from my growing up years when there were food shortages. Or from the lavish compliments I received as a child for my healthy appetite and ability to eat EVERYTHING on my plate. (I always won the Daddy-cooked pancake eating competition with my siblings on Sunday mornings). Whatever the root cause, thinking more about the emotional health of a non-sentient item on my plate rather than about my own goals is not conducive to a healthy lifestyle. A rational approach to food, I think, is one of life's important lessons and perhaps even a lesser virtue. And so, Eric is trying to help me to learn:

Food Does Not Have Feelings!

Serving

I think I tend to get pretty wrapped up in myself sometimes. Self-absorbed, self-pity, a lil too concerned about truly silly things like the appearance of wrinkles in our new slipcovers, or the clutter of books at the top of the stairs that still don't have a bookshelf. Yes, I allow myself to get pretty stressed about things that don't even matter. That is one reason why I am so blessed to have opportunities to serve others.

Just before Easter I went with some friends to serve lunch at the YWCA Family Center, an emergency shelter for families. It was a while ago, but I wanted to write about the experience anyway. While putting delicious food on a plate, I realized I was happy and content... and full of joy and light. Maybe it was seeing the eagerness in leaden eyes because this food is more than nutrition (which it wasn't really--so much butter!). This meal is something like hope and generosity that you can pick up with your fork. Serving lunch was serving out love and goodness to those who see so much of despair and the worst of human nature. Okay, I should serve just to help them. I should. But isn't it wonderful to feel that warmth in your chest when you are able to bring a smile to someone's face? To hear the sincere thanks for a good lunch from a father trying to get back on his feet and provide for his family? To compliment a mom on her beautiful eyes or her well-behaved kids and see her stand up a lil taller as the compliment lifts some of the weight of her housing crisis from her shoulders? To make a downcast child feel special just by the way you conspiratorially offer him his rice crispy treat?

I love serving. I feel happiest when I am giving to others. And I'm grateful for the reminder that my petty problems are not significant. I am grateful for the love that showers down on us all from our Lord, Jesus Christ. I am grateful for the opportunity I had to serve some of my brothers and sisters at the YWCA Family Center. A small lunch. But a great experience in my heart.