Caroline at 3 years old

Well, now that Caroline's third birthday was almost a month ago and today is actually Eric's special "life day" (sorry, a Korean ism that I doubt any of you will get) and I ought to be dedicating a post to him... since I haven't composed one yet and this one was just begging to be published in its raw and unedited state, well, this is what I'm posting today! So, for our family history efforts, I present Caroline's 3rd year isms!

favorite foods are bacon and berries. favorite drink is milk (she gets mad when we give her water at dinner but she'll drink it anyway). favorite time of day is her 'zen' time of laying on the floor drinking and pulling all the barrettes and rubberbands out of her hair with glossed over eyes. Favorite color is yellow. favorite shows are Team Umi-zoomi, Super Why, and Leapfrog. Favorite books are Pete the Cat and Going on a Bear Hunt. Favorite toys are Magna-Tiles, stretchy dinosaurs ("compies"), cars, mini princesses, and her Noah's ark boat. Favorite person: definitely Daddy. :) Or Grandpa (either of them). Or any Uncle. And randomly, Brother Bair in our ward whom she identifies on the stand weekly, points, and waves like crazy to try to get his attention. Sadly, they just moved out of our ward. Caroline doesn't know yet. She's going to be devastated. :) She basically still just loves men more than women. :)

 "you SILL-LAY pot!" (her response to 'you stinker pot')

"critter bed" = her crib, which she is sad to not be able to use because it is 'broken' (mattress removed) to help her use her "Princess bed"

"ril-lay, rill-lay tired. I go bed now."

"tickle fast?...TICKLE!!!" (while insistently waving her arm or bare belly at you)

"I got i-trouble"

"en-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh..." (her slight stutter when she can't think of what to say)

"not THAT one! I go nover one!" (meaning, she wants to sleep in mommy and daddy's bed)

"where my Gwen?" or "where my Daddy?"

names her poops members of the family. Uncle Bryce is the only extended family ever to receive the honor.

named the Elk taxidermy on the wall "Sven"

sings a choreographed version of "Let it Go" from Frozen

plays with her food-- it becomes cars and boats or families quite often

can sometimes be persuaded to consume more bites because they are "sad and want to go to the party" and she'll say "alright, you can!"

"ah co-wease!" (of course)

"WHAT!?!!!" in a growly voice. Her favorite joke. 

"soap!...Candy soap!" another favorite joke of her own invention. 

She likes to invent words from her own language and laugh when we repeat them back to her

"I ready get u-up!" between 5 and 5:30 in the morning while she knocks on her door (we put a child proof knob on her side and removed her light bulbs to try to encourage her to go back to bed, but she basically just squalls at the door until we get her out.)

"I pretty princess". twirling and primping in her pjs. 

"Chase me!" not a request. 

"my daddy! my daddy! My daddy HOME!!!" 

"go up high?!?"... and she contorts herself while being thrown up so that she comes down in different positions. Sort of like a prelude to a flip...

just about every day she states that she is ready to get on an airplane to go visit grandma and grandpa and sleep at their house. She even packs 'bags' and will go fetch her shoes so she is ready to go. She bawls when we tell her we are not leaving for a visit to them for another month. And she's been doing this for the past 2 months. 

LOVES to terrorize Gwen: hang on her, pull on her clothes, tackle her, sit on her, push her down and wrestle her, etc. Sometimes she still bites and pulls hair, but she gets in pretty big trouble for those ones. Basically, she just adores her sister to the point of abuse!
 

She loves to jump, particularly on the yellow chair. 

She says "tada!" and wants much praise for climbing or building things... and I should mention that she LOVES to climb, is not at all intimidated by height or challenge, and often figures out how to get up places before Gwen does.

"I did it! I so big!"
Caroline loves to build castles and towers. Her creativity is rather impressive, as her building designs are quite varied and interesting. She becomes extremely frustrated if it crashes down before completion, if she can't find the right piece for a specific spot, or if a friend dares to try to 'help' her with her creation. She is definitely a lone wolf and possessive of her creative autonomy!

She identifies places she has been on sight as we drive past: "PLANET PLACE!" (the mall playground), "plant place" (Straeder's Garden Center), "paint place" (Home Depot, where she gets to do a project with Daddy once a month), "playground with the bumpy slide" (Carriage Place park), "playground with the head" (Leatherlips park), and of course Aldi, Meijer, the library, Gwen's school, the zoo, and church. 

she loves to water herself with the hose, even on chilly/windy days.
She LOVES to "nuggle" (snuggle) and insists upon you running your fingers on her back and limbs throughout the nuggle time.

We love our little independent imp! Our family would be missing a big personality without her craziness and her unbridled affection!

Where Grief and Joy Meet

We are expecting a new addition to our family in September!

but this post is not, as you might be expecting, a gushing post about the excitement and anticipation for the big event or a dialogue of how my family is feeling. Instead, I feel that since this blog functions as my journal, I need to record some things I've experienced. Perhaps someone else can benefit from reading them.

I had a miscarriage in August. Not the first time I've had one, but it really hit me hard. A nurse told me to grieve however it felt right; whether that meant screaming or crying or whatever. For me, the coping mechanism was to not acknowledge it. And that isn't because I didn't have a support network of friends and family that were ready to listen if I wanted to talk. I've heard people say that often women feel like they are alone after such a loss and that the subject is too taboo for them to talk about it. Not the case for me. I never felt it was taboo or that people didn't want to discuss it. I just didn't WANT to talk about it. In fact, for about 2 weeks I carried on all conversations without direct eye contact because I was afraid that someone would see the pain in my eyes and ask me how I was doing. Well that phase didn't last forever and I eventually was able to talk through some of my feelings with Eric. But honestly, I didn't explore everything I felt at that time. I busied myself with a conveniently demanding Thesis (it was actually a great blessing to have such demanding work to think about constantly so that my mind didn't wander.) I buried everything down deep until I felt strong enough to process it.

Therefore, months later, I'm still sorting out my grief. There are 2 emotions that I have found lingering, not easily resolved; they seem to crop up again and again in new forms and variations. Anger and Fear are the fallout from the event.

Rage is interesting. While it helped me to be "strong" and get through the hardest days, it has impeded healing. I'm relieved to say I never felt angry at the Lord for the loss of our little one. Nor did I blame myself because I knew there was no reason to feel guilt. However, I was honestly furious at my body. You have to understand, I take good care of myself. I exercise hard, play hard, sleep regularly, eat healthily... at the time I was in fabulous physical shape (quite possibly the best shape I've been in all my life). So when my body paid me back with a terminated pregnancy, I felt rage. I wanted to hurt my body the way it had hurt me (irrational, yes, but real). I contemplated running a marathon just to punish my body, but knew I wasn't physically up to that. So instead I stopped taking care of myself. Granted, I had the excuse of a thesis, but honestly...I just didn't have any desire to exercise or watch what I ate. You could attribute that to depression. Sure. And I'm sure that had a part to play. But I was aware and perhaps even vengeful in neglecting my physical health. I was just so angry at my body's failure. It has taken me months to forgive and strive to regain the health I had before.

Right about December when I was finally ready to be nice to my body, I discovered another facet of my anger. Anger at weakness. I found myself responding terribly to family members when they were not at their best. For the first time I truly understood the heart of a bully because I too was inflamed by vulnerability I saw. Rather than being compassionate and understanding, I wanted to squish it. To grind the weakness I saw until it was obliterated. Ultimately, I was disgusted by my own weakness, by my own vulnerability, by my own lack of control and was transposing my anger towards my body's 'failure' onto other people because I saw my weakness in them. This has been a lot harder to work through. Honestly, I'm still struggling. I know the Atonement of Jesus Christ makes it possible to change even the deepest failings into strengths. But I can also say that healing my mind and heart so that my first response to vulnerability is not contempt...well, it takes time. Unfortunately, as I'm a perfect example, not every adversity makes people more tender and compassionate towards others. The Lord is helping me to be soft and compassionate rather than hard like a flint.

Fear is crippling. I am in the thick of this one. I didn't really discover the depth of my fear until we had another positive pregnancy test (in January). THEN I realized JUST how terrified I was. I didn't want to say I was 'pregnant' and didn't talk about the baby as a 'baby' for weeks and weeks because I was absolutely terrified that I was going to miscarry again and thought it would be less painful if I didn't get all excited. I spontaneously burst into tears at doctor appointments because I was terrified of what I would see or not see on the ultrasound. I was not even "happy" to have a successful pregnancy because I was afraid to be happy and suffer a crushing disappointment. And I certainly didn't enjoy the great blessing of NOT having hyperemesis this time around because I was terrified that it meant I would miscarry (since both my previous successful pregnancies I was over-the-top-hospitalization-inducing-vomiting and both my miscarriages I was just nauseated). It was actually a relief to hit that stride around 8 weeks of feeling sick almost all day and vomiting 1-2 times a day. Still better than hyperemesis, but more reassuring than just nausea. Once I felt confident that I was "sick enough", it was much easier to be grateful that I wasn't crazy sick like before. Then I could finally start to celebrate the possibility of a new baby. Still, I was hesitant to invite others into my circle of celebration lest it turn out to be a circle of mourning in the end. I was slow to divulge the good news and only just recently announced it. Ultimately, the Lord is helping me to replace fear with hope--- but that requires increased trust in God's plan and a true 'come what may' attitude. A tall order for me since I really DON'T want to go down that road again and I'm not sure I can say 'sure Lord, I'll trust Your will even if it isn't what I want'. But I can clearly see that until I replace fear with hope, I can't be legitimately happy, even in happy circumstances.

In all of this joy, celebration, and gratitude, my heart is still healing from the loss of what might have been. It makes for a sort of weird complicated response to the present. It is not as easy to be happy in this pregnancy as I expected it to be...Everything is going really well, the Lord has blessed us with our desires, and I should be happy as a clam...and perhaps others would be puzzled to hear that I'm not just overflowing with joy. I find that even my happiness is laced with a hint of sadness---because grieving takes a longer time than we often give it. But I'm going to continue to take the advice of that nurse: I'm going to allow myself to feel what I feel. And through the Savior's wondrous Atonement, I'm certain my path of healing will one day allow me to feel peace and joy with all my heart.

in the mean time, we are so looking forward to welcoming you into our hearts, little one. See you in September!

Waiting for the Water to Boil

I've heard it said time and again in so many eloquent ways that "waiting" is not a good idea, that we should be moving forward. 

I'm going to be honest. 

Okay, I find it a REAL challenge to move forward when all that is pending is contingent upon the thing for which I'm waiting. Now, I understand the point. But consider for a moment the reality that the water MUST boil before dinner can be cooked. It just goes in that order. Otherwise you're gonna be eating raw noodles, which might sustain life, but could also be very disgusting. So while I understand the truth that we can't stop progressing while we're waiting for something, the 'progression' here seems more like a filler than I think it should. What I mean is, does that waiting for the water to boil time leave anyone else feeling like they are actually filling their time with other, less vital dinner prep like chopping vegetables or setting the table because the real business can't move forward until that water boils?

Now. I understand that spiritual progression, that life progression, that the development of skills and talents and QUALITIES can actually be blessed and helped along by such a period of waiting for water to boil. I get it. Mentally at least, I get it. But inside, honestly, I just feel... hungry. Like I want dinner now and it is making me irritable. (please tell me I'm not the only one who feels grouchy when I'm hungry!) I know that irritability is irrational and counterproductive... but it seems to be an ever-simmering (THERE'S a pot that doesn't take long to heat up!) emotion at the back of my mind. If I slow down the other dinner prep, it is right there ready to whistle and steam and spill over into the rest of my day. I guess I'm really struggling to keep my hunger from affecting my mood. For some reason it is worse in November and December. 

I just try to keep up the hope and faith that when the timing is right, things will work out. The trick is to be happy and content even while "waiting for the water to boil" so to speak. I find it helps to not get my hopes up, but then, that is kind of a downer thought. So I just try not to think about it at all (don't watch the pot?) and go on with life. Again, I'm sure it will happen when it is the right time. 

But in the mean time, will someone order me a pizza? Because I'm tired of waiting...

A Thesis= a crazily exhausting but fulfilling project near completion!

So many of you have expressed interest in my thesis! I was actually pleasantly surprised by this curiosity, because whenever I've brought it up in conversation, it seems like people don't really want to hear about it. So I'm happy that at least a select few of you ROCKIN intellectual-types would like to know about my big project!

You could say this has been 'the year of the thesis' for me. Well actually, I started gathering sources in 2012, but since the writing and research began in 2013, we'll just say it has been a project for this year. I had a wide open field for selecting a topic: Art History. Anything I wanted to do, so long as I got approval and found a professor willing to mentor the topic. Knowing my passion for Asia, and Korea in particular, it was not a hard choice to narrow it down to Korean art. And since, comparatively, very few publications are available on Korean art, I had many options here too. I eventually selected the topic of pungsokhwa (풍속화) (trans. genre painting) for completely self-interested reasons: I like the art and I knew I wouldn't get tired of it even if I spent countless hours looking at it. Plus, I wanted to know more! After months of initial research, I finally selected a more focused perspective for the 60-page Thesis (which actually ended up being an 84-page Thesis in the end, but who's counting? :) Are you ready? Want to know? Here it is:

DOUBLE STANDARD FOR FEMININE IDEALS: WHAT KOREAN ART INDICATES ABOUT GENDER ROLES IN THE LATE JOSEON DYNASTY

Basically, one chapter breaks down the disparity between the idealized depictions of traditional women and the struggles they faced in reality. Another chapter does the same thing for idealized depictions of kisaeng (courtesans), and then the final chapter delves into what the two kinds of idealizations reveal about shifting values in late 18th century Joseon society. Intriguing, right? 

Just to share some of my favorite lines (and to give an idea of the content of the arguments contained in the thesis):

"by idealizing women the lack of ideal in the juxtaposed yangban stands out with greater clarity...The contrast of innocent women with indecency of the yangban amplifies the impropriety of the voyeur, chafing against Confucian ideals"

...

"I would argue that Shin Yun-bok is not critical of the moral lifestyle of the yangban, only of their hypocrisy in condemning what they clearly indulge. There is a difference between criticizing yangban for their decadence and criticizing them for their duplicity. While both imply corruption, one assumes that the behavior is inherently immoral while the other assumes the double standard is immoral." 

...

"In art, traditional women are revered as ideals of virtue, honor, and sacrifice while kisaeng women are desired as ideals of talent, beauty, and sensuality, each woman receiving merit according to her ability to fulfill the feminine ideal determined by her role." 

...
"...the manner in which these ideals were applied differently to indict the perceived wrongs in society...highlights shifting values...by demonstrating the widening chasm between the entrenched Confucian government struggling to maintain its hegemony and the world of materialism increasingly finding a foothold in Joseon society."

Here is just a sampling of the images I used (because I'm feeling 'lazy' today, I'm not going to include the full reference data here, just the title):

 Yun Yong, Namul kaeneun anak (Woman Harvesting Herbs).

Shin Yun-bok. Aeigi Oebneun Oemma (Mother Carrying Child)

 Kim Hong-do, Bballaeteo (Washing by a Stream)

 Shin Yun-bok, Juyu cheonggang (A Barge Scene on a River)

 Shin Yun-bok. Nyeonso Dapcheong (Amorous Youths on a Picnic)

Shin Yun-bok, Miindo (Beauty)

Kim Hong-do, Oomulga (The Well)

Translating Korean research into English was daunting in most cases, but honestly enjoyable for the above painting! It was fun and funny to read what had been written about the "depraved" and "crazy" yangban with his robes unfastened!

The exciting thing is that I really enjoyed the topic and never grew tired of learning about it. The less-than-exciting thing is that it was really hard work, time consuming, physically and mentally exhausting (to make adequate time for the research and writing, I used nap time for working on my thesis instead of exercising. The lack of exercise has taken its toll-- not least among the fallout results are the muscle aches and back pain from sitting and typing so much. And talk about insomnia flare-ups!), and I even wondered if it was really worth it to me. Credit goes to Eric for not letting me quit so near the finish line!

The most recent exciting thing is that I've officially submitted it to the program office for circulation in committee! Mailed it in today! Which means it is in their hands for a little while until I get revision suggestions from all the committee members. I'm really close to being finished, though the end goal is still months away. Too early to celebrate (we're saving the big celebration for when it is fully approved, submitted to the University library for publishing and binding, and I am awarded my Master's degree), but I'm truly happy to be finished with the bulk of the work. What's left is basically minor editing. I'm feeling pretty confident that the committee will fully approve of the content--which may be a hasty assumption!--but I really think it is quality work and I don't anticipate any huge revision requests. My mentor said it was fantastic, so I'm hoping the entire committee agrees!

And for those of you that have helped me over the past 5 years of getting my Master's... you're probably mentioned in my acknowledgements page! Hooray for being so close to completion!

An Ocean Birthday

Is anyone surprised that this 'shark' wanted to have an ocean-themed birthday? :) 

Gwen loves being 5!

A close up of the candy sea turtle on top of her 'personal' cake. I loved the blue chocolate pearls...

Gwen helped me bake the blue cupcakes with blueberries in them (her specific request), and she helped make the icing. She was tired of helping by the time we got to the 'putting the critters on top' phase, but she was willing to taste test all the candy to make sure it was edible. :)

I was very happy with the cupcakes-- you could say proud-- and was a little sad to see so many partially eaten cupcakes left on plates of little friends at the party. They really were tasty. I think there was just too much food in general. Next time fewer snacks, I think. It was just hard to decide what to leave out! When I get going on a theme... :)

ps. carving the watermelon was pretty fun and not too hard. I used toothpicks to 'hold in' the teeth that I accidentally removed from his gums by my too assertive knifing... :)

I enjoyed how simple and inexpensive the decorations were. Over the summer I found a big bag of blue and green streamers for 50 cents at a garage sale. Knowing that blue and green are Gwen's favorite colors, I snatched it up. It turns out those were the perfect items for her party! I used the blue to make these simple jellyfish, and the green for seaweed. 

 I think the jellyfish were one my favorite parts. :)

 

 the homemade treasure chest held the goody bags for our party guests! So fun!

 
The kids also made these easy fish tanks to hang in their rooms-- the glitter was very popular with the girls! ;)

 We played games too, but there are no pics because I was leading the gaming and Eric was wrestling Caroline (she did NOT enjoy the party with its accompanying friend "invasion" of her things). We did actual 'fishing' (the fish had ocean life actions on them. Very funny to watch the kids try out being jellyfish, dolphins, and eels!), played 'belly of the whale' (basically reverse musical chairs with a box for a whale that the kids crawled through while music played), and 'jellyfish jump' (hoola hoops layed out across the room--can't touch the tentacles!).

It was a wonderful party! Gwen LOVED being the center of attention!

About the birthday girl... where can I even begin? 

She is a bright, kind, eager to please child! She is healthy and strong, with an even temperament (though she is showing signs of entering a new and unique phase of testing limits). She is a very smart girl. I don't want to sound like I'm bragging, but well, I'm gonna go ahead and say I'm bragging. She can read very well, even books that she has never had read to her. She is the only child in her preschool class who already reads-- the teachers actually giver her opportunities to read to her class. She is the "model" to help encourage everyone else. Honestly, the positive peer admiration has proven to be a greater motivation than me. Her voluntary reading has increased by leaps and bounds in the past 2 months! She also counts to 100 and remembers advanced vocabulary for specific topics. I know she is intelligent and I LOVE it! I hope she continues to enjoy learning as much as she does right now! Her current favorite things: bugs and creepy crawlies (same as last year), oceans, and astronomy. She loves the planet mercury because it is so fast. :) She loves the Gospel of Jesus Christ-- she not only possesses a mature understanding of the gospel, but she tries very hard to follow Jesus. She is very sensitive to what it right and wrong. With the exception of her sister, she is also very compassionate and accommodating. We're still working on the sibling relationship. :) We are very proud of Gwen and love her very much! Happy birthday darling girl!

October Festivities

Well, as promised, I'm updating. October went by in a blur. I'm not even documenting the family trip out to Idaho (because family who would really like to look at pictures... already HAVE those pictures! :)), but we did that too! So a brief look at a full month, in pictures. Ready, go!

carving pumpkins

 Caroline preferred to mummify herself in the curtain rather than participate in the carving

 Our awesome shrunken heads! Really easy and fun to make. Gwen reminded Caroline daily that they needed to check on their little heads. She insisted that hers was always cute, never scary, even when old and wrinkly. 

 We (okay, I) really enjoy themed food, on a simple level. Those crazy Bento box moms put me to complete and utter shame, but I do enjoy easy fun snacks. Every day Gwen and Caroline got to choose a shape for their lunch sandwich. I thought is was fun and not time-consuming to use my seasonal and holiday cookie cutters to oblige their little dreams. I just love holidays and themes!

  Gwen loved banana ghosts and requested them pretty much every day! Caroline liked the jack-o-lantern mandarin oranges best. Both girls liked the cheese ghosts with faced drawn on them in edible food-writer ink. Gotta love fun snacks!

 Gwen lost her first tooth (the dentist says she has 3 more loose ones-- ahead of average) and the tooth fairy brought her a Brazilian coin!

 Pumpkin Festival (or Show, if you prefer the "official" title of the event) in Circleville is a yearly tradition. This year the gals had a great time and I was glad we got there early to beat the crowds! 

Posing in front of the world's largest pumpkin pie.

 last year's gignormous pumpkins were bigger, but the girls didn't care. They definitely liked the "big...big...big...BIG pum-kins!" (how Caroline said it)

 And we went with a friend who treated us to a petting zoo extravaganza! The lighting was bad under there, so most of my pics didn't turn out. But it was pretty awesome to get to pet camels, kangaroos, emus, etc. Thanks Kasia!

and of course, the to-die-for pumpkin donuts! This year we got the sugar sprinkled mini kind instead of the larger glazed ones. I think I prefer these! A-maz-ing. And the line to get them was ridiculous, so I know I wasn't the only one who thought so!

Gwen's preschool had a field trip to a local farm. We went along. Caroline was NOT keen on the 'educational' or even the 'social' part. This is her reaction when a friend got to close to her. :)

 So we ended up heading out on our own while Gwen enjoyed the time with her class. 

 playing in the corn box...and why does it always have to go on her head?

 and then the hay bale maze with the awesome slides and secret tunnels...

 Gwen's class joined us and I got some pics of her... at which point Caroline disappeared into the maze and craziness ensued bc she thought it was fun playing hide and seek. That girl needs a homing beacon. As soon as I successfully tracked her down, we headed home to take naps. 

While the weather was still nice, we enjoyed doing garden harvesting and looking for bugs. I love it when I find some cool ones! the day of these pics was particularly fruitful, as we found a very pregnant preying mantis (which Gwen promptly dubbed "Gwen"... until I suggested we pick a more fitting name. Then she chose "Mantia") and 3 very fat and fuzzy caterpillars!

 I told them we couldn't pet Mantia. So we just watched her. 

Caroline is singing and signing "Caterpillar Dreams" from Signing Time... see the little guy climbing up her sleeve on her right arm?

 Gwen loved the way they tickled on her hands!

 The expression on Caroline's face is too cute!

Preschool Halloween Costume Parade

Gwen's school has an annual costume parade so parents can take pics and kids can show off their costumes. 

 Gwen loved another opportunity to wear her shark costume. I don't think she even noticed that all the other girls were dressed up in fancy dresses as princesses. That's my girl! :)

 Caroline got to participate. This is her "cheese" face. :)

She insisted on holding the teacher's hand for the parade. You'd think she ran the place. :P

Halloween Costumes (aka, how I am a sucker for spending limited time in frivolous ways for a silly holiday)

You might gather from the title that I am a bit chagrined by the amount of effort I put into a certain costume for the amount of time it remained on a little person's body (Caroline, you are such a varmint!)

I thought I managed to pull off a pretty cute look, considering the amount of time allotted me to work on it, but considering how busy we have been, maybe I should have cleaned my toilets instead. She only wore her costume for 5 minutes... then I started to find pieces of it on the floor at our church building for our trunk or treat. Ah well. I guess we were never shoo-ins for the costume award anyway (but I am proud to say I made them and that the cost was minimal)! Gwen sure loved her shark, though, and wants to wear her costume non-stop around the house.

And apparently, noone could figure out that I was a jelly-fish. No, I was not an umbrella. I thought it looked pretty good, especially with the goldfish and shark alongside, but maybe I wasn't so obvious as I supposed. Eric's costume subtlety went over EVERYONE's heads. They all thought he just didn't dress up. No no. It is a pun. and it is punny. He's a "muscle"... "mussel"... goes along with the ocean theme? get it? get it?... but no one got it. Or could appreciate the humor because he is definitely NOT what most people would call a muscle... :P and he said it first, not me!

I'll have to do another post with the fun things we've been doing around here, but this week is too busy. I've got to turn in my 60 page thesis in a week!