Thursday, October 1, 2009

Taking a Risk-- Are you Up for it?

What is it about applying to a program-- even one that logically you know you are pretty much the best candidate they've got applying-- that makes you feel like, oh, I don't know, like 'what if they don't want me?'
Seriously, in the moment when you should feel most confident as you are keenly aware of your own qualifications-- instead you envision yourself receiving the polite rejection letter?
I spent most of my free time yesterday during Gwen's naps working on such an application and found that by bed time I was feeling so worried and frazzled I found myself crying unexpectedly (and, no, it isn't that time of the month)... I decided not to even work on it today. Considering how great I feel about the program, how certain I am that my prayers have been answered, how excited about the coursework, and how confident I truly am that I will be accepted without any problems, why is it that I feel sooooooo nervous? Isn't that strange? Today since I'm not writing essays or filling out online applications or writing emails requesting academic references from professors, I feel...



Perhaps simply because an application is a risk, putting myself out there, actively hoping for something that might not happen the way I'd like. Kind of like the way I hesitate to try to sell any of my paintings. If I don't put em up for sale, then I can always imagine they'd go like hotcakes! But if I DO and I can't get a decent price on any, well, then I can no longer delude myself into thinking they're sorta good. Or I could just not ever try for anything and never be disappointed, but that would be silly and scaredy-cattish of me. Either way, I guess too much thinking about it just gets me nervous. So I won't. Today. Then when I've sufficiently replenished my "bravery" stores, I'll put myself back on the confidence chopping block tomorrow.

ps. feel free to ask away about what I'm hoping to do, but I might not answer until I have an acceptance letter in hand, just cuz I don't want to get my hopes up too high. and talking about it excitedly would only make it worse if I don't actually get in... which really isn't going to happen, right?, but just in case...


  1. Good for you. That's the only way we grow! I'm dying to know what you are applying for but feel free to let us know when you are ready :) You really are an inspiring person, you know that right?

    P.S. For some odd reason I can't figure out - my cell phone finally alerted me today that I had two voicemails from you from SUNDAY! Not sure how that happened. But anyway, thanks for calling and letting me know when you left your house, and no I haven't seen a binky hope you found it!! LOL.

  2. It's definitely nerve-wracking applying for stuff even when you feel certain you will get it. It's almost like you don't want to feel certain you will get it because then if you don't it's an extra blow to your confidence. Good for you taking a day off. I am curious about what you are up to, but I will wait until you are ready to tell all.

  3. You turned them in!!! Good for you! I hope the nervousness passes for you. Like you said, Elisa, you are probably one of the best candidates applying - so don't worry! And besides, what's right will happen, right? I always find comfort in that...