Big Surprise-- check out this video!

Thankful. and this is not just a Thanksgiving post.

But I guess it is that too.

notice the lil Gwen hand in the bottom right corner... stealing a roll! What a character!

Gwen has been struggling with praying lately. So after much thought and prayers of my own, this is what I've come up with. Our fridge is covered with images of things she loves or that we do regularly. Every day before bed, we select applicable pictures and carry them upstairs on her prayer cookie sheet so she can be specific about thanking Heavenly Father for daily blessings. It has helped immensely to make prayers more meaningful, more from her (rather than us just telling her what to say), and I think it helps her to be grateful. I'm grateful for the Spirit's guidance.

What I'm really grateful for, though, was a couple of nights ago, just before bedtime. I was doing dishes and prepping the kitchen for nighttime, when I heard delightful laughing coming from BOTH my girls at the same time. By the time I got my camera out, the laughing had pretty much stopped, but there are still happy noises. I am delighted that they love each other so much. My heart took a picture and I just felt so content and happy. Truly this was a moment that makes motherhood worth it.

oh, and guess what? these 4 crawling steps are Caroline's VERY FIRST crawls! How random and wonderful is it that I was lucky enough to be filming? She is still mostly army crawling, but for Gwen, she pulls out the big guns! :)

I have a success story so I can divulge a secret!

I received a communication today. It said this:

"Congratulations! Your application for admission to the Humanities Master of Arts degree program has been approved. We are happy to welcome you and wish you the best in your future work."

That's right folks! It is official! I am going back to school for my Masters degree!
I will be studying through the
California State Dominguez Hills
distance learning program (HUX).
Why am I excited about this opportunity?

• first of all, who ISN'T excited about studying art, music, literature, history, and philosophy? I LOVE the humanities!
  
• short term goal: I'll be qualified to teach humanities and art history at a community college
• the above goal is desirable for both fun/personal fulfillment and for preparedness. It was a harsh reality when I couldn't find ANY full time job 2 years ago despite my 2 majors and years of experience
• distance learning means I'll be free to set my own hours, my own pace, my own homework schedule.
• best part is that the coursework isn't online (though resources are if I need to contact anyone quickly). I won't be glued to a computer, with all the eye and back trouble that accompany it. I can sit in a comfortable chair and read.
  
• I'll be working from home, around Gwen's nap schedule, with some Saturdays to spend in OSU's library on research.
  
• I estimate only 10-12 hours a week for school work.
  
• entire program is only 35 credits, about 2 years to a degree (not counting any time I end up taking off for baby #2)
• The program is very flexible and family-oriented, so deferring or taking breaks for important events like babies or moving won't be a huge paperwork fiasco.
  
• interesting coursework with fun classes on Mayan art history, female literature around the world, etc.
• The program design gives a broad/general base in 5 distinct humanities fields (literature, philosophy, music, art, history) but allows for specific specialization in one or two as well.
  
• I can emphasize 18 hours in Art History which more than doubles my chances of being hired as a professor at a community college post graduation
  
• I can design some of my own credits/coursework to be Asian specific if I desire (which, of course, I do!)
• the above bullet helps keep me "in the know" for my long term goal: after the kids are grown, get a PhD in Asian Art History or Asian Humanities with Korean emphasis
• There are no tests. Every grade is based on essays and papers. Since writing is my strong point, this is a thrilling prospect!
• entire tuition cost of program: 6,000 dollars! (not counting books or fees, of course) and my Education Grant after my service year in Americorps (at the YWCA) comes to 5,000 dollars... so really, we only have to dish out 500 dollars a year! :)

Well, that is it! Celebrate with me folks! Coursework begins in January!

ps. naturally, there is some apprehension. I will not have as much "free" time to do personal hobbies and projects. I'm sure there will be stressful days. I am trying to think positively, however, and view the blessings and opportunities as what they are: tender mercies from a loving Heavenly Father Who truly answers our prayers.

Taking a Risk-- Are you Up for it?

What is it about applying to a program-- even one that logically you know you are pretty much the best candidate they've got applying-- that makes you feel like, oh, I don't know, like 'what if they don't want me?'
Seriously, in the moment when you should feel most confident as you are keenly aware of your own qualifications-- instead you envision yourself receiving the polite rejection letter?
I spent most of my free time yesterday during Gwen's naps working on such an application and found that by bed time I was feeling so worried and frazzled I found myself crying unexpectedly (and, no, it isn't that time of the month)... I decided not to even work on it today. Considering how great I feel about the program, how certain I am that my prayers have been answered, how excited about the coursework, and how confident I truly am that I will be accepted without any problems, why is it that I feel sooooooo nervous? Isn't that strange? Today since I'm not writing essays or filling out online applications or writing emails requesting academic references from professors, I feel...

SAFE.

aaaaaaaaaahhhhhh....peace...

Perhaps simply because an application is a risk, putting myself out there, actively hoping for something that might not happen the way I'd like. Kind of like the way I hesitate to try to sell any of my paintings. If I don't put em up for sale, then I can always imagine they'd go like hotcakes! But if I DO and I can't get a decent price on any, well, then I can no longer delude myself into thinking they're sorta good. Or I could just not ever try for anything and never be disappointed, but that would be silly and scaredy-cattish of me. Either way, I guess too much thinking about it just gets me nervous. So I won't. Today. Then when I've sufficiently replenished my "bravery" stores, I'll put myself back on the confidence chopping block tomorrow.

ps. feel free to ask away about what I'm hoping to do, but I might not answer until I have an acceptance letter in hand, just cuz I don't want to get my hopes up too high. and talking about it excitedly would only make it worse if I don't actually get in... which really isn't going to happen, right?, but just in case...

Thoughts on Arriving at Personal Discovery

What crystallizes ideas for you? Most common methods for me:

1. Insomnia. Well, okay, the insomnia doesn't crystallize things for me, but if I have clear ideas come to me at night, I absolutely cannot sleep unless I write them down. I keep a paper and pencil in my night stand for this purpose. I don't even turn on a light or have to write legibly, just to write it down enables me to sigh and fall asleep. Which leads to my true method:

2. Writing thoughts down. Somehow getting something down on paper helps me really figure things out. Don't read my high school journal because it is truly filled page after page with me trying to work through feelings, crushes, what to do or not do, possible consequences, why did I act this way or that way, blah blah blah. I don't consider myself a drama queen, though passionate. You'd never know it from my writing. All that drama is right there. You'd never have guessed it because writing down all that "what is this feeling?" stuff allowed me to draw conclusions and respond in a very sane and mature (at least I thought so at the time) way.

Why this post? I don't know. I guess I was considering how this blog is my journal. And sometimes I still get emotional and dramatic here, but mostly not (it being preserved for posterity and all). So am I still crystallizing ideas? I like to think so. Hmmmm... what is my method now? Insomnia? :)

Probably talking it through with people. Eric especially. I was always the confidant in HS, but rarely the sharer. I think I had trust issues. But that's another post. So conversation as a catalyst for realization is a "newish" method for me of arriving at what I really think. But sometimes I find myself babbling away to a friend and catch myself responding too quickly to their questions-- I say things that I don't think really reflect the true response that I might acquire if I was truly introspective. Just the other day I went for a walk with a friend and found myself too easily parroting my answers about my motives and fears that didn't feel right after I'd spoken them. And then I'm backpedaling to try to get it right but that doesn't quite resonate either. Ever do that? Perhaps in a way, even that helps me to realize the truth? Obviously, at least for me, crystallization by conversation is subject to error.

I think there is no real point to this post. Why do I sometimes write things just to hear myself think? I'm kind of embarrassed, actually, at the rambling nature of this post. I almost want to delete it, or at least edit it down (I already logged back on and went back and cut a huge paragraph after I'd posted it and disconnected from the internet because it was bothering me to think that I am pestering all ya'll and future generations who only want to see photos of family and could care less about my personal thought process) further so it isn't such a strong example of how I think aloud through writing... but here I continue... stopping while I'm ahead. sort of.

Baring my Soul

I used to keep an excellent journal. From Junior High, Highschool, and my first 2 years of college, I was an almost daily diligent writer. Then my mission happened, then 2 majors happened, then Eric happened, then working full time happened, then Gwen happened... and my journal writing has petered off to non-existent because I'm so pooped by the end of the day. So it occurred to me that my blog is a way to recapture that journaling habit. I post daily happenings and experiences. I only need to add some personal soul baring, and it is a bonafied journal. Here's to radical honesty:


I cringe every time I see a photo of myself.

Is that what I really look like? I don't feel that frumpy, but it definitely looks that way.I gained quite a bit of weight during my pregnancy with Gwen. Pretty normal, as far as pregnancies go, but I haven't really lost it. Just redistributed it. And since I was trying to get back in shape when we got pregnant, I have quite a ways to go before hitting my target. I decided during all the Easter festivities that as soon as the holiday was over I would finally go on a healthy diet. True to that commitment, I spent a few hours yesterday researching healthy caloric and nutritive intake levels for lactating women. I talked to friends who have been on successful healthy diets (not just the crash kind) to find out some tips and secrets for lasting motivation and enduring results. And then it really started to sink in.

This is going to be HARD work.

I have a long way to go. We got a scale last week so I've spent the week tracking my daily weight. I hover right around-- am I really about to share this information to the entire online bloggerdom?-- 170 pounds. Since my target is 145 (that's what I weigh when I'm fit and muscular. Without the muscle, it should be even lower for my height.), that is a 25 POUND LOSS! Those aren't going to peel off overnight, folks, or even in a couple of months. We're talking long term commitment if I want to reach this goal. It'll be difficult because:
a) I LOVE food! And gourmet international cooking! To me it sounds like a culinary disaster to replace key flavor ingredients with low/fat free substitutions or to skip those recipes altogether. Who wants to have feijouada without the various fatty meats? What if I want to grill lemon-barbeque pork ribs in the summer? What's a good chowder without cream? I know there are alternatives, but most reduce the flavor and therefore, enjoyment, of the food. I want complete freedom to pursue any recipe I find that sounds delicious, not a stunted range of options. Plus, I love to bake and enjoy cake decorating... how can I not eat it when it is sitting right there? This will be very challenging for me.
b) I am tired. and busy. It will be just too easy to make excuses for skipping my exercise each day.
c) but mostly because I am not sure I can really do it.

I'm afraid.

I'm afraid I will give in to temptation. I'm afraid I will lack willpower. I'm afraid I'll tire of healthy menus and snacks and indulge a little too often in a non-healthy recipe. I'm afraid there will be holidays, birthdays, and special social events that threaten my consistency. I'm afraid the weight will be stubborn in coming off. I'm afraid I'll compare myself to other, more successful postpartum moms. I'm afraid I will become frustrated. I'm afraid I will lose motivation after a short 2 weeks. I'm afraid I will fall terribly short of my goal. I'm afraid I will never feel confident about my figure again. I'm afraid I will never feel satisfied looking in the mirror again. I'm afraid of giving up and consigning myself to frumpdom for the rest of my life. I'm afraid I am not going to be able to do this. I'm afraid I don't have what it takes to stick it out to the end of my goal. I'm afraid of failure.

*sigh*. I know I can't have faith and fear at the same time. All things are possible if we put our faith in Christ. Funny to think that my diet matters to Him. "Fear not; Only believe"

I can't really ask you to pray for me and my 'diet' because that just sounds like a really shallow prayer. But if it occurs to you sometime in the next 6 months to pray for me to stick to my nutritional plan, I would be really grateful. I need all the support I can get. My plea is the same as the father who brought his sick daughter to Christ for healing and needed help doing his part:

"Lord, help Thou mine unbelief".

Thanks for letting me bare my soul.

Vacation Adventures and Pics of Gwen

we're back!

First we went to Idaho where Gwen got to meet Grandpa Allan, Uncle E, Aunt J, Uncle C, Uncle B, Aunt E, and cousin E.

Then we had a marvelous Christmas Eve where Gwen got to be the newborn 'child' wrapped in a swaddling 'lady bug blanket' lying in a 'bouncy chair'. Christmas morning she looked adorable too!

During this time her collic also peaked and we were grateful to have so many helping hands eager to hold the crying baby.
We then went down and spent several days in Utah visiting family. Gwen got to meet her Grandpa Hart and Uncle S, Aunt A, and Uncle J at her beautiful baby blessing in Mapleton in her Great Grandpa's ward. Then Monday Eric and the guys had a record pheasant hunt (70 birds. I'm not exaggerating.) while Gwen and I spent the day chilling at my lil sis's apartment with grandma and grandpa... some great pics forthcoming if I can get my mom to email them to me! We were sad to return to Idaho on Tuesday, but excited to embark on the cabin adventure for New Years. And it WAS an adventure... getting the snowmobiles caught in a blizzard during the drive in was definitely a once in a life time adventurous way to spend New Year's Eve! There aren't any pictures because all cameras were safely tucked away from the elements, but
for full details on the adventure, visit Mama Allan's website here:

http://callan86.typepad.com/this_that/2009/01/so-the-adventure-beginsaka-plowing-powder.html

I'll add that Gwen and I were safe and warm inside the Rhino, but her bottles were chilly and she wouldn't take them... so we spent the last 3 hours with a very hungry, tired, and unhappy baby bawling in my ears. I was also worried about Eric since he had been gone for hours and there was no way I'd ever know if he and Papa Allan had encountered any difficulties. I had visions of snowmobile accidents, injuries, and all of us stranded on a mountain hillside in blizzard conditions without food... I'm honestly surprised that I was able to look at the entire experience without any anxiety. I was trying to think positively and it worked!

the cabin was WONDERFUL, just my kind of vacation! I could live there, seriously. During our stay there Gwen really started to open up with her grins and gives them out freely now!

well, we're home now. I'll try to find time to post some pics this week so ya'll can see how much Gwen has grown! (ALL of these were swiped off Mama Allan's blog... isn't she a great photographer?)