Conquering a Fear...And the Beautiful Result!

Once upon a time a sensitive mother purchased yards of expensive silk brocade for her daughter as a pre-wedding gift... mostly because said daughter had been fawning over the Asian design and rich royal blue color for a long time and this mother thought it would go a long way towards soothing her 'day-before-the-wedding' jitters...and a kimono pattern so that yardage would go to good use. (Wait, at this point the daughter didn't even own a sewing machine! What were they thinking?)

Sadly, GUILTILY, the fabric sat in the daughter's fabric stash for 9 1/2 years because this gal didn't know HOW to read a pattern and was terrified of destroying the gorgeous fabric.

Until last week.

I am that daughter. I do sew, but the only clothing I've made were very simple/forgiving projects for my kids (costumes, straight lines, online tutorials for easy things, ya know)... Until I decided enough is enough. After all, the logical accusation was that I was wasting the gift just as much by NOT using it as I would be if I messed up the sewing. Time to put on my big girl pants and JUMP IN!

I decided I would rarely use a kimono, so why not try something I could wear more regularly? The brocade lent itself to a fit-and-flare design because of the weight of the fabric. I bought a pattern (Simplicity 1418), made a mock up in muslin first so I could learn a few things, and read and reread those instructions! I am really proud that I stretched myself to a) figure out how to read a pattern, b) sew darts, c) sew pleats, d) sew fitted sleeves, e) sew in a zipper and f) make adjustments to the pattern so that it was a custom fit! Weight loss not-withstanding, I still have my original body shape with which to contend, so adjusting the pattern to my specs proved a challenge indeed! I'm happy to say, I conquered! (and I think my next dress will be even better!)

and you know what? I've really been bitten by the fashion sewing bug! I whipped up this argyle peasant dress for Gwen for Valentine's Day (free fabric from a friend! Thanks, Rach!) and I've already got fabric and plans for Easter dresses... and even a couple more projects that should keep me busy into summer! Wondered where I've gone? Check my sewing room! I'll be there for a while!

Moral of the story? In conquering a fear, I've unleashed a monster!

Vice and Virtue

A quote from Friedman essay about literature, but with much greater application:

"Its vices are the defects of its virtues"

This really resonated with me. Does it ring true for you?

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  The unmotivated/unambitious vices are usually paired with the virtue of being easy going and not a worry wart.


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  The vice of being high-strung, inflexible, rigid usually goes with the virtue of being organized, planning ahead, detail-oriented.


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  The vice of being sensitive, easily hurt, emotional goes with the virtue of being empathetic, caring deeply, feeling freely.


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  The vice of being hasty, blindly jumping into things, rash goes with the virtue of being a risk-taker, brave, fearless, spontaneous, eager to see an idea to fruition.


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  The vice of timidity, inaction, lost opportunities accompanies the virtue of caution, careful research, and logical analysis before decision-making.


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  The vice of shirking work, avoiding responsibility, being light-minded, shallow, cliqueish usually goes with the virtue of being social, fun, energetic, friendly, talkative.


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  The vice of eating too much with the virtue of appreciating delicious food, being able to create delicious food.


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  The vice of laziness with the virtue of restfulness or playfulness.


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  The vice of work-a-holic, busy, forget-the-real-meaning-of-things person with the virtue of hardworking provider, ambition.


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  The vice of pack rat with the virtue of valuing memories.

I am a planner, a culinary artist, empathetic, ambitious, memory lover. Now you know all my vices too. :)

I think that when the Savior promises all our weaknesses can become strengths through His Atonement, it does not mean he will root out of us those innate characteristics so that we can no longer recognize ourselves. He will simply help us to transform them over to the virtuous side of them. We will still be ourselves, but our best selves.

Conrad: The Secret Sharer and the Mysterious Floppy Hat

After encouragement from a very good friend (Thanks, Linz!), I am going to proceed to entertain/bore you with my current thoughts on the things I am doing for school.

Right now I am writing a paper on Joseph Conrad's The Secret Sharer, a truly delightful story in the same vein as Heart of Darkness, but not depressing. I am most intrigued by the sometimes obvious, sometimes vague symbolism replete throughout the tale. Today my ideas are centered around the mysterious "floppy white hat" that the Captain takes from his own head, puts on Leggatt (his double)'s head, is left on floating on the top of the water when Leggatt makes his escape, then subsequently is what saves the ship from peril as the Captain uses it as a mark against which he can steer the ship to safety.

What saves the Captain from peril at the end-- this is a great key to the meaning of the tale, I think. The hat is his salvation, gives him a chance to steer his ship to safety, an opportunity to prove himself a capable captain to a crew that doesn't know him, and--most importantly--a chance to erase his own doubts about himself. Because of the hat, he becomes the captain he always had the potential to be.

• If the hat represents the Captain's "floppy" character, fears, and weakness of mind, it makes sense that he would choose to get rid of it in the end once his character has grown stronger. He no longer needs it to protect his own head/thoughts and has truly outgrown it. But, if this is the case, why would he try to pass it off on Leggatt? What protection would it offer L as his subconscious incarnate? Also, how could his abandoned weakness become a guidemark to save the ship? Is self-discovery able to free him of the need for self preservation (the hat protects his head) and allow him to take risks that reveal his abilities?

• If the hat represents the Captain and Leggatt's shared "complete" personality (since they shared it), why would the hat ultimately be abandoned as an unnecessary item? And how could the Captain get by without it any longer? Wouldn't an increased awareness of one's entire self only increase the attachment to an item that expressed that relationship with one's self? And if the water is a common psychological symbol for the subconscious, how would the hat-- a symbol of his acceptance of his "shadow side"-- float upon it and become his salvation?
  

• If the hat represents the Captain's generosity and improved character, why is it described as floppy (carrying a connotation of weakness)? Perhaps generosity to accept oneself, love oneself, could enable one to have greater courage and confidence (explaining the Captain's triumph in the end). But, how does generosity steer a safe course? And, why is the theme of 'kindness' and 'generosity' suddenly thrown upon the reader at the VERY end of the tale as the means of salvation without ever making it a theme elsewhere in the story? Doesn't seem to fit...

• Or is it somehow a combination of these? the hat represents the Captain's fears BECAUSE he does not know himself or his abilities. Coming to know and understand Leggatt (his other self) who arose from his subconscious frees the Captain of a need for self preserving fears. Why he would think that his subconscious self needs these protecting fears, I don't know. Haven't figured that one out. but once he has generously demonstrated his acceptance of himself, given away his fears to Leggatt, and L has safely returned to the sea, the Captain has a reminder of the things he learned in the form of the hat floating upon his subconscious. It provides him a mark (memory of self-discovery and discarded fear) against which he can steer the ship-- and himself-- to safety even while taking risks that prove to EVERYONE his qualification as Captain of the vessel.

So... what IS the hat?
His abandoned fear?
His abandoned weakness?
A reminder of his entire personality, both conscious and subconscious?
His generosity to himself?
What do YOU think?

I have a success story so I can divulge a secret!

I received a communication today. It said this:

"Congratulations! Your application for admission to the Humanities Master of Arts degree program has been approved. We are happy to welcome you and wish you the best in your future work."

That's right folks! It is official! I am going back to school for my Masters degree!
I will be studying through the
California State Dominguez Hills
distance learning program (HUX).
Why am I excited about this opportunity?

• first of all, who ISN'T excited about studying art, music, literature, history, and philosophy? I LOVE the humanities!
  
• short term goal: I'll be qualified to teach humanities and art history at a community college
• the above goal is desirable for both fun/personal fulfillment and for preparedness. It was a harsh reality when I couldn't find ANY full time job 2 years ago despite my 2 majors and years of experience
• distance learning means I'll be free to set my own hours, my own pace, my own homework schedule.
• best part is that the coursework isn't online (though resources are if I need to contact anyone quickly). I won't be glued to a computer, with all the eye and back trouble that accompany it. I can sit in a comfortable chair and read.
  
• I'll be working from home, around Gwen's nap schedule, with some Saturdays to spend in OSU's library on research.
  
• I estimate only 10-12 hours a week for school work.
  
• entire program is only 35 credits, about 2 years to a degree (not counting any time I end up taking off for baby #2)
• The program is very flexible and family-oriented, so deferring or taking breaks for important events like babies or moving won't be a huge paperwork fiasco.
  
• interesting coursework with fun classes on Mayan art history, female literature around the world, etc.
• The program design gives a broad/general base in 5 distinct humanities fields (literature, philosophy, music, art, history) but allows for specific specialization in one or two as well.
  
• I can emphasize 18 hours in Art History which more than doubles my chances of being hired as a professor at a community college post graduation
  
• I can design some of my own credits/coursework to be Asian specific if I desire (which, of course, I do!)
• the above bullet helps keep me "in the know" for my long term goal: after the kids are grown, get a PhD in Asian Art History or Asian Humanities with Korean emphasis
• There are no tests. Every grade is based on essays and papers. Since writing is my strong point, this is a thrilling prospect!
• entire tuition cost of program: 6,000 dollars! (not counting books or fees, of course) and my Education Grant after my service year in Americorps (at the YWCA) comes to 5,000 dollars... so really, we only have to dish out 500 dollars a year! :)

Well, that is it! Celebrate with me folks! Coursework begins in January!

ps. naturally, there is some apprehension. I will not have as much "free" time to do personal hobbies and projects. I'm sure there will be stressful days. I am trying to think positively, however, and view the blessings and opportunities as what they are: tender mercies from a loving Heavenly Father Who truly answers our prayers.

Not THAT necklace, Dear...it's hideous.

I am picky about jewelry, apparently. According to my dear hubby.
Perhaps that is why Eric hesitates to purchase any jewelry for me... since I am so vocal about styles I don't like. Well, Dear, this is for you. Some clarification:

I don't like fake-looking, faceted, bling bling beads

I don't like little tiny seed beads without other sized beads and
I don't like these awful drapes
I think these stones are ridiculously too chunky:

But really like these stones:

I don't go for this tribal spiky look at all:
But I DO think ethnic and cultural styles are fun:

I think these glass beads are cheesy:
But I really like these glass beads:

I think these shells are nice, but the style is a lil bit too "old" for me:

But I think these shells are lovely and trendy:

I think classic pearls are nice, but not my personality:

But I love these floating pearls (or any floating necklace, actually) as well as the non-spherical shapes and not white colors, so much more interesting:

I am extremely picky about diamonds, perhaps because they are so "bling bling". (Good to know, since they are so expensive anyway. You're safer with another choice in necklace. I won't think you are cheap, I promise.)
This pendant has all the no-no's for me: color, a cheesy heart shape, and a boring pendant chain.

But I think this simple diamond necklace is classy:

Put it together and what have you got?
A lovely combo with natural colors and variety of textures in chunky layers with a vibrant pendant-- neither too gaudy or too same-o same-o.

Something like this or any of the above "liked" selections, Dear. Any questions?



As for the rest of you... I'm curious...
do you agree with my selections, or would you prefer some of the 'dislikes' over the 'likes'?

Taking a Risk-- Are you Up for it?

What is it about applying to a program-- even one that logically you know you are pretty much the best candidate they've got applying-- that makes you feel like, oh, I don't know, like 'what if they don't want me?'
Seriously, in the moment when you should feel most confident as you are keenly aware of your own qualifications-- instead you envision yourself receiving the polite rejection letter?
I spent most of my free time yesterday during Gwen's naps working on such an application and found that by bed time I was feeling so worried and frazzled I found myself crying unexpectedly (and, no, it isn't that time of the month)... I decided not to even work on it today. Considering how great I feel about the program, how certain I am that my prayers have been answered, how excited about the coursework, and how confident I truly am that I will be accepted without any problems, why is it that I feel sooooooo nervous? Isn't that strange? Today since I'm not writing essays or filling out online applications or writing emails requesting academic references from professors, I feel...

SAFE.

aaaaaaaaaahhhhhh....peace...

Perhaps simply because an application is a risk, putting myself out there, actively hoping for something that might not happen the way I'd like. Kind of like the way I hesitate to try to sell any of my paintings. If I don't put em up for sale, then I can always imagine they'd go like hotcakes! But if I DO and I can't get a decent price on any, well, then I can no longer delude myself into thinking they're sorta good. Or I could just not ever try for anything and never be disappointed, but that would be silly and scaredy-cattish of me. Either way, I guess too much thinking about it just gets me nervous. So I won't. Today. Then when I've sufficiently replenished my "bravery" stores, I'll put myself back on the confidence chopping block tomorrow.

ps. feel free to ask away about what I'm hoping to do, but I might not answer until I have an acceptance letter in hand, just cuz I don't want to get my hopes up too high. and talking about it excitedly would only make it worse if I don't actually get in... which really isn't going to happen, right?, but just in case...